jour·ney – A passage or progress from one stage to another: the journey to success.
Yep, that’s what I am calling this new event in my life, a Journey. It’s not just a goal I hope to reach and check off my list. It’s not a task to be completed or a chore I must get done. It’s a change in my way of life that I must learn to accept, adjust to and maintain for the rest of my life. The sad part is, Diabetes is NOT a new diagnosis to me.
I was diagnosed nearly 6 years ago. When I was first diagnosed, I was really good about doing the things I was suppose to. I took my meds on time and regularly. I watched the foods I ate and made healthy, diabetic friendly choices. I tested my blood on a regular basis as well. All the right things a diabetic should do. Yeah Me !! Well somewhere along the way I fell off the bandwagon. Actually I’m pretty sure I jumped off. It became a chore, a bore, a hassle to me. I began to make excuses, to push off my testing to later, which became later and later. I forgot about my meds or maybe just got lazy and wouldn’t walk the few steps to go and get them. Whatever the reason, I became a “rebealious” diabetic. This turned me into a “bad” diabetic with bad, severe complications.
In my lifetime I went to the doctor maybe once every couple of years. I was rarely sick and never had the need. In the last 6 years, I have seen more of my doctors than I have my family… maybe a tiny bit stretched, but not by much. It’s to a point where if I call my doctor and say I’m sick or need to see her, the reception knows to get me in, even if that pushes back another patient… sorry said patient! It’s really nothing to brag about, but my doctor knows if I’m calling things have gotten bad, probably really bad. I am the kind of person, that has this personal mentality that if I don’t think about it, it might go away. I know this is not the case, I know better, I am smarter than that, but it doesn’t stop me from hoping and praying that it will happen. It never does… not these days anyway. My blood work always comes back with a “failing” grade. The nurse always calls with results saying Dr M. says your diabetes is not controlled. In this I always hear, your a failure. I sure feel that way. I avoid the dr because I always feel like a disappointment. I know she doesn’t think that way, but that’s how I feel. I don’t like disappointing people, even my dr. It’s so frustraiting because I know what to do, I have done it before and been a huge success, I just don’t know how to get back to that mentality and STICK with it. That’s the thing, I do well for a few days or a week and then when I start getting back on track, I digress… seriously. WHAT THE HELL. Then I get pissed off for doing wrong and the whole damn cycle starts over again.
SOOOOOOO moving forward. I am determined to change my mind set. I am surrounding myself by supportive people. I am pumping myself up and getting into a positive state of mind. I am going to take care of myself for a change. I am always so busy worrying about everyone else, taking care of everyone else that I don’t do for myself the way I need to. Well that’s about to change ! I went and joined weight watchers last week and started TODAY counting my intake of food. This I think will make me accountable because I won’t want to fail in front of other people. I know I should not want to fail for me… but I’m not quite there yet. So if I have to walk in every week and weigh in front of someone then I might be more likely to stick with the process. It’s odd how I care more about what a stranger has to say then I do myself. SOOO backwards I know.
I also went up to Oklahoma to the Indian Hospital to get set up with a personal care physician so that I can take advantage of my Indian benefits. I am Native American and can get free medical supplies, medication, dr visits, dentist visits, vision, etc for free if I go to the Indian doctors and hospitals. My family has been doing it forever and I am just now taking part. My diabetic supplies and such cost me easily $2000 a year plus any additional items needed. I have racked up medical bills and surgery bills and hospital visits over the last 6 years due to not taking care of myself and that could have all been covered if I took care of my Indian benefits. I know, I’m an idiot at times. I know better… but hey, I’m here, acknowledging it and taking the steps to correct my previous mistakes. I got a new glucose meter and strips. I also got set up to go to the diabetic wellness center and also set an appt for the PCP next month… so starting off on the right foot, or the left foot… doesn’t matter I’m starting off !!!
Here’s to my journey, your welcome to come along !!