On the Menu – Monkey Butt

**WARNING** Not for the squimish.

I have a pretty strong stomach when it comes to things such as the story I am about to share, but I think I read it to many times cause my stomach is doing flips right now just thinking about it.  But I am so shocked by it, I had to share for the rest of you sick puppies out there.  It is quite funny if you can get past how gross it is.

Not sure if you have heard this story or not.  I heard it on the radio this morning along with all the jokes that followed.  I actually had to look it up to see if there was a picture of this VERY STRANGE man… and yep, my curiosity was satisfied when I found there was a picture posted.  Keep in mind when you read the news article this man performed this act for an HOUR – yeah 60 mins !

Zoo Keeper Helps Constipated Monkey Pass Peanut By Licking Its Butt For An Hour

As stories about a Chinese zoo keeper licking a monkey’s butt in order to save its life go, this one from chinaSMACK is by far the most endearing.

After a young Francois’ leaf monkey in his care consumed a peanut that had been tossed into its enclosure, Wuhan Zoo employee Zhang Bangsheng noticed that the animal had become dangerously constipated.

Being too big to pass through the monkey’s system naturally, the peanut had to be extracted manually. Apparently, that meant licking it out.

Zhang told local reporters the three-month-old lutung was too small for laxatives, so he had no choice but to extract the wayward legume with his lingua. After washing the its bottom with warm water (because not doing so would be disgusting), Zhang spent an hour polishing the monkey’s pooper before the peanut finally popped out.

What became of it is up to your filthy imagination, but chinaSMACK says the caretaker subsequently “laughed with satisfaction.”

[photo via chinaSMACK via Quirkies]

 

Can you believe what you just read?  I heard it first so I was still surprised when I read it.  Monkey’s are so cute, but I don’t care how cute, I’m not putting my mouth, lips, or tongue anywhere near ones hind parts.  Just think he licked his bum for 1 hour.  I have never licked anything for that long.  I still don’t know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie-pop.  I have so many questions about this, such as:

1. Who first discovered you could urge an animal to poop by licking it’s booty?
2. Is the man who did the licking married and does his wife consider this cheating?
3. If this man can lick for an hour and still have a smile, why would he ever settle down and get married?
4. Was there Listerine, alcohol, disinfectant available after this lick fest?
5. Did he get a raise for such a heroic duty?
6. How many other animals in the zoo have been serviced by this employee?
7. Is it considered beastiality, and what does it say about those that stood by and watched for an hour?

Okay, I will stop, cause now I am just cracking myself up and if anyone here at work hears me, I don’t want to explain I am thinking about a man licking monkey butts… might just be to difficult to explain.

Well congrats to the monkey who survived the peanut !!

 

I need some practice…AMEN !

Before I get to the little story I want to share, I have to give you guys some background first…

Yesterday my sister’s husband was having surgery.  He has been battling Polycystic Kidney Disease for some time.  It runs in his family and his mother died at 57 due to the disease.  Anyway… my sister asked me about a week ago to come be with her while she waited at the hospital.  I had to do some flanagaling to get the time off because I had used up all but 4 hours of vac this year.  I was going to go ahead and take the 4 hours and then work some extra hours the rest of the week to make up the other 4.   My sister lives 3 hours away and they were to be at the hospital at 6 am.   Well Monday is one of the bf’s school days and he has to ride the train over to Ft Worth to go to class, but the train doesn’t run that late to get him home after class gets out at 10.  So I have to go and pick him up on Monday nights after class which is about 1 to 1.5 hrs away from my home, depending on traffic.  Not to bad on Monday nights if I can leave early enough to miss the construction near the airport.  They shut the major highway down at 8 and that takes more time to get through.   I had to work later to cover some make up time and so I finally made it over to the school about 930, picked up the bf and headed back this way.   I decided to take a quick nap before getting up to leave at 3 am.  I of course knowing I had something important to do and was on a time schedule, could not sleep for the life of me.  I had to kick the bf outta the bed so his movement and snoring wouldn’t disturb me either.  I got about an hour.

I was up and at it at 3 am… gassed up the car, got me some hot cocoa and packed my goodie bag.  Magazines, snacks, cheddar popcorn and my laptop and hit the road.  

FINALLY to the part I wanted to tell you guys about… (just call me chatty-Kathy)

I got to the hospital just before my sister and her hubby did.  I met them outside in the front and although my sister’s hubby is not that religious, I asked if we could say a little prayer.  So the 3 of us huddled up and I began…

I prayed for the doctors and the nurses to do their bests and I prayed for the bro-in-law and his nerves to be settled.  I prayed for there not to be much pain, for the surgery to go smoothly and also said a prayer for my mom and her bf across town in another hospital as her bf was having double knee replacements (what a day- I know).  Well after all my little thoughts I came to the close of my prayer where I closed thanking God for getting me there safely and making it possible for me to be there for my family and then “OK, BYE”

Yeah… I actually ended a well said prayer (my opinion-anyway) with “OK, BYE”.  My sister and her hubby looked at each other and my sister said… AMEN…  I then said “oh, yeah – AMEN” 

I then lost it and just cracked up.  I said, can you tell I’m outta practice?? We all just laughed.  This is really hilarious to me because I have grown up in the church my whole life being that my grandfather is a pastor.   I am still laughing about it.

I spoke with my mom after the Bro-in-law went into surgery and had to tell her about my prayer and unorthodox closing…. she laughed and laughed and told me I was going to have to tell my gpa about it. 

I being the jokester I am told my mom that I didn’t have to say Amen, that God and I were like this (fingers crossed – REALLY close) and we talked all the time.  She said jokingly ohh so you guys are tweet friends… I said you know it mom.  Laughing the whole time. (Just for the record, I do FB, but NEVER tweet)

I love the little things in life that we (I) can find pleasure in, or that I can laugh at and lighten an otherwise scary moment.  This was a good start to our day.  I just wish the rest of the day had gone better.

—Just to further the story.  My bro-in-law (BIL) has cysts that fill up his kidneys and then they will burst and make him bleed while peeing.  It causes his belly to puff up on his right side and it makes it hard for him to bend over or lay on his back cause of the pressure making it hard to move and breathe.  There were now cysts forming on the outside of his kidneys and the surgeon using a sonogram machine was sticking a needle in through his side to puncture the cysts on the outsides and drain them.  Unfortunately the large cyst that are causing all the problems are on the other side of the kidney and no way to get to them without going through the kidney (which the dr said he didn’t want to do cause they would have to cut him open)  There were only about 3-4 small quarter size cysts that the surgeon could get to.  He was very disappointed which only makes us and my BIL disappointed.  Well in recovery the BIL was having a hard time breathing and then was bleeding considerably.  They were afraid a cyst ruptured so they wanted to keep him overnight and monitor him.  They got him settled and eased the pain and the night was okay for him.   The surgeon is asking for him to come back in a mo to see what more they can do.  The specialist says that he is in-between 1 and 2 stage kidney failure.  They don’t want to remove the kidney now since it is still functioning.  So we wait.. you know that ugly waiting game that sucks for everyone involved.

Soooo if you are or are not on a 1 on 1 basis with God and wouldn’t mind taking a moment to throw out a few positive thoughts, prayers for my BIL, it would be greatly appreciated. 

I don’t even think it requires an AMEN, just an open and positive heart !!

Gotta love the Elderly !!

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the state fair every year, And every year Bill would say, “Blanche, I’d like to ride in that helicopter ” Blanche always replied, ” I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks!

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, “Blanche, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.” To this, Blanche replied, “Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”

 The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.”

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word… When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!” Bill replied, ” Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!”

😀

The NOT SO DIRTY Joke

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100 – legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time.” But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, “How about going to church with me and receive blessings?” Again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?” ……………

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ……

This time, a little voice came out of the box, “I heard you the first time! I’m putting my shoes on!”

 

~~It’s nice to have a little chuckle 😀

Jaxon went to JAIL !!

I just had to tell you guys about the latest fiasco going out at Casa McQty.  OMG, I love my dogs as much as one can love their pets, but I swear 2 of the 3 are in danger of a trip to the taxidermist.   Miss Priss my 4 lb.  toy Chihuahua is in heat (thanks for the warning Priss) and she is driving Jaxon, my 110 lb Bull Mastiff insane, which in turn driving me insane.  Jaxon wants to be right up her… BUTT every second of the day and NIGHT !!  AND, if he is not up her butt then he is circling the bed, the couch, the coffee table, pacing the floor, whining and howling and barking me into insanity !!   Saturday night he was making circles around the bed, because he is not allowed up on the bed so he was whinning and whimpering and barking because Priss was under the covers and he could not get to her.  I finally gave up and just let him on the bed.  BIG MISTAKE.  Then he was digging at the blankets and pillows trying to get under the covers to her….. OH NO MISTER !!  So I booted him off the bed and outta the room and locked him out.  Well the next morning I woke up to one of my leather pillows that was trashed, I mean it looked like snow on the floor in the front living room.  BAD JAXON !!  He got stuck outside for the remainder of the day while we went to work.  So sunday night when we come home he is just going nuts all night so when time for bed we decide to put him in his JAIL (cage) which is in the back den.  We don’t use it hardly ever because I don’t like that he is caged up if the little ones aren’t.  I try to be a fair mommy.  I didn’t want him outside cause I feel like it’s too cold.  I know I spoil them… shame on me.  So anyway… in his JAIL.  This dog would not shut up.  I have never heard so much whinning, whimpering, howling, barking from one dog for so long.  He did it ALL NIGHT LONG.  My bedroom is on the opposite end of the house and even with the door shut that damn dog kept me up all night long.  When I got up to get ready for work, I went to let him go out and he had moved his cage nearly 3 feet from the wall where it was when he was put in there.   Last night wasn’t as bad… I don’t know what the bf said to him, but he didn’t cry all night like the previous night, but he started up early this morning, way before my alarm went off.

So just how long is a dog in heat for?  I don’t know if I can survive to many more sleepless nights.  If Jaxon would only realize that it physically impossible for him to “get busy” with Miss Priss.  He doesn’t seem to care, or stop trying.  It’s funny trying to watch him manuever himself low enough to get to her… no chance dude.   So in the meantime he is taking it out on my couch, my pillows and he even jumped up on the couch with me after work last night and I had my knee up on the couch and he proceeded to mount my knee… I just laughed.   The bf gets so mad at him.  I had to tell him last night, babe, he can’t help it.  He’s all horned up and he doesn’t know what to do.  Well this morning bf told me he had to take the pillow cases off my pillow because Jaxon had “made love” to it.   EWWWW glad bf found the remains of that venture and not me.  I might of tossed my cookies.

What’s even worse is I have caught Priss teasing him… little SLUT.  She walks around in front of him and sticks her butt up in the air at him and then runs under the couch cause she knows he can’t follow her under there.  He lays with just his nose under the couch just whinning at her… that little bitch !!!

Prayers for me, my slutty dog, and my horny dog. Oh and some prayers for my sweet, patient boyfriend who puts up with this madness from us all !! Love you hunny bunny !!

 Pic of Jaxon after he trashed my leather pillow (below)

I couldn't help it, Mom !!

The Night Nurse

 A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says: ‘Well, that’s great….that’s just great……….some asshole’s got my pen!

Wanted to share my laughter with those of you out there in blog land !!

~Never forget how to laugh!!

JACK and JILL – my movie review

“Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail…”  okay sorry, couldn’t help myself.

I was able to go see Jack and Jill this past holiday weekend.  For the most part I LOVE Adam Sandler.  There have been a couple of movies that I didn’t care for because they just were not his sick and twisted self.  I confess… I like the sick and twisted stuff… usually  😀

I wasn’t really interested in this movie much until I saw the Dr. Phil episode about a week or so ago with Adam on there and a bunch of other twins that in the film.  After watching this episode, I thought it might be worth a go to see it.  So we did.  I was glad I did.  I laughed myself silly.  I don’t know where he comes up with some of the things he does or says.  You get a double dose of him in this film, but then there is a long list of other famous faces all through out.  I have to say this is one of the oddests and funniest things I have see Al Pacino do as well.  That was a little shocking, but so funny.   I really wish they did more out-takes on things like this.  I cannot imagine how many times they had to redo kiss scenes, hugging scenes, and other scenes I don’t want to spoil. 

It’s not an award winner by any means, but what Adam Sandler movies are?  It is however a good laugh and I definitely love, love, love those !!

~Grab your popcorn and check it out !!

Better than a Flu Shot

Some of the funniest jokes make their way across my desk, through my e-mail and over the phone waves.  I just had to share this one.

Better than a FluShot!  

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.  She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea… As he sat facing her old  Hammond  organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.  

‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl. ‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.  Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter. 

 

~~Nothing beats a great laugh, ENJOY!!