Say it like you mean it.

Well I previously posted that last night Chris and I finally got into it. Things were so not going well at all and it was a very restless night for me.  Turns out it was quite the restless night for Chris as well, but not for the same reasons.  Turns out he was up chatting with an “old” friend on facebook… I happened to log into his fb account today and found their conversation that went on to about 330 this morning. So I copied the conversation he had with her for your reading pleasure as well.  He definitely confirms that I have been asking him to get a place for him and his son for over 2 months and he just disregarded my wishes.  

Chris: 

hey you there

Jennifer: hi
Chris: 

hello
Jennifer: whats up?

Chris: not much just needed someone to talk to

and you were online

Jennifer: Is everything ok
Chris: no not really
Jennifer: I juts got my ass kicked in farkel
Chris:
 lol. my son just moved back in with me. 
Jennifer: 
how is that going? 
Chris:
 but samantha does not want him here
Jennifer:
 oic, y? 
Chris: 
she says she is afraid of him cause he drew a picture one time of her with a knife in samantha’s head
Jennifer: 
he’s a kid
Chris:
 my son has been getting into a lot of trouble at school lately and fighting a lot she says he is very aggressive and it makes her feel unsafe. She told me this 2 months ago and I did not know what to say.  It made  me feel like I am wasting my time here with her.  I thought she wanted to be a family and she does not want to deal with my son. Yes he comes with issues but he is my son and will always be my son.
Jennifer: Right
Chris: 3 days before Christmas CPS called me and said they had removed my son from Stormi’s home, it was very unexpected. I had no choice but to have hi move in here.  Tonight she told me she wants me out.
Jennifer: Why did they take him?
Chris: Cause his brother overdosed on someones medication, they removed all the kids.
Jennifer: Oh crap. Maybe CPS can help you get a place…Ive heard sometimes they can.
Chris: she also says I do not communicate with her enough. I can get a place I am not worried about that. My boss will help me. I am just worried about not having a VEHICLE.  She got a 2nd vehicle 4 months ago so I would have a vehicle to get to and from work and now it is her vehicle and that leaves me stranded.  No way to get to work…if I move close to work then there is no buses to get to the train station to get to school.  I am just stressing really hard. I know everything will be fine.
Jennifer: When does she want you out?
Chris: She just said she wanted us out. I guess I am going to ask my boss tomorrow to help me get into a place ASAP. I have to go and report in the morning.  I guess I am not emotionally available for her cause I am trying to work everyday and go to school to make more money when I work and I already have trouble getting in community service hours and NA meetings.  Now I am not making enough time for her and I am being selfish.
Jennifer:  you just busy
Chris:sorry for spilling all that on you, thanks for listening
Jennifer: no problem hope everything works out ok
Chris: me too

I did call him up at work and ask if his boss helped him find a place today.  He said no.  I said well that’s what you told Jennifer you were gonna do.  He knew I had checked his fb then.  I then found out that the probation officer didn’t do anything to him about not doing his community service and NOT going to his NA meetings. I have to say I was quite disappointed in the system.  What do we pay all these state and county taxes for when the system is obviously failing?  Then I asked him if he got his son enrolled in school and he said no and I asked why and he said because I have to go down to the school and sign some paperwork saying that his son lives in my home.  I started laughing and so ohhh of course I do… Just another thing I HAVE to do.  Well tonight was rough yet again.  We actually got into a conversation and he kept saying, I’m sorry you feel that way.  It was driving me nuts.  I said it’s not about the way I feel, it’s about the facts.  Let’s lay it out there.  I said did I or did I not come to you months ago with my concerns? Did I not tell you what I was worried about, concerned about and what did you say? NOTHING?? he said yes.  He said he was upset that I didn’t welcome his son with open arms. I said that not everyone was going to and that he couldn’t get upset about that. He cannot force his son on me and he cannot force me to be uncomfortable in my own home.  He kept saying how he gives me his paychecks and I said and what does that go to? His probation, his court fees, his fines, his school, books, etc.  I said then when that’s all gone who has to pay the rent, utilities, the food and the rest of the bills and he said you (ME).  He said that he sees it as his and my money being put together as OUR money to pay OUR bills and that’s how I should look too.  So I said basically what your saying is if I want to be with you and live with you then I have to pay your bills and cover you ass because you don’t have a job that pays you enough to take care of yourself.  It took him awhile, but he finally said yes that’s true.  He said what other choice do I have.  I said get another job.  I said I did.  Why is it that I make great money but had to get a 2nd job to help cover your bills and worked 7 days a week for over a year for your bills?? But you can’t do the same?  I told him that this was a joke and that this was not a relationship and that he used me for what he could get out of me and that this free ride had ended and he needed to get out.  He said he would and then proceeded to ask me if i would help him move out.  OMG, I think my head almost exploded.

So we shall see…

It has hit the fan !!

Is it dirt, dust, poo – that’s it !! The shit has hit the fan !!  Last night was a rough night in my house.  It has been brewing and this volcano is about to explode.  It started months ago, but it’s all starting to get much more intense.  I previously mentioned my concerns with Chris’s son moving into my house and how afraid I was of that.  I tried talking to Chris about this over and over many times during the last couple of months because I wanted him to find a place for the 2 of them before he got custody so that there was no need for his son to come into my house and then move again later into another place with Chris.  I didn’t want it to look like I didn’t want him here to his son.  I was trying to make it easier on his son.  Well, Chris totally disregarded my feelings and went ahead and moved his son in without even discussing it with me.  I was at work when CPS picked his son up from the psychiatric hospital he had been taken to for trying to assault his mother and another adult male while at the CPS office during a visitation with him.  The foster family he had been staying with did not want him back and so they call the psych hospital to come and restrain him and take him to the institution.  Would anyone else besides me, be alarmed at this???  Just so you are all aware, when this child was 11 and lived with me for 6 months he went to school one day and was angry at me for taking his video games away for something he did wrong and he drew a picture of me with a knife in my head.  The teacher called me at work to have me get a hold of Chris so he could come up to the school, that’s when she told me what he had done.  The kid is now 15 and I don’t think he draws pictures anymore… but could be more capable of doing the action vs. drawing it.  These are just some of the reasons for my fears.  I don’t want to live in fear in my own home.  As of late since he moved in, I have pretty much stayed to myself in my room when I have been at home.  It shouldn’t have to be that way either.  Chris refuses to communicate with me about anything.  The only time he really talks to me about anything that is going on is when he needs something or wants something from me, like money, a vehicle, me to do something for me, etc.  Yesterday he was trying to enroll his son in school.  He texts me at work telling me the school needs a utility bill in his name or he needs to have himself and his son added to the lease on my house.  I told him that wasn’t going to happen.  I told him that I wasn’t going to change my life around and rearrange my bills and my lease.  I had also given him $100 bill on sunday for gas and ask that he bring me the change back, which he did not.  I got upset last night and told him that he didn’t need to be driving my vehicles anymore because I couldn’t afford the gas that he was running out.  He’s not helping me with any bills and I can’t afford it all.  He got upset and threw money in my face and said, “Here’s your fucking money”.  It fell to the floor at my feet and I just kicked it toward him and said forget it.  I tried to go into my room and shut the door behind me and that’s when he pushed it open hitting my hand with the door.  He then stood in the doorway where I could not shut the door.  I asked him several times to go away and to just leave me alone.  I told him he was going to take it to a point of no return and he was going to act stupid and do something he couldn’t take back so he needed to stop and just go to his room.  He just stood there.  He then told me he wanted the diamond necklace he bought me for Christmas back.  I couldn’t believe it, but I said that’s fine, it’s in the bathroom on the top of the vanity.  He said he was going to return it and get the money back on it.  I said do what you have to do.  I said while you’re at it go ahead and steal whatever else it is you’re gonna steal, you’re good at that right?? (He broke into my house and stole quite a bit last time I broke up with him)  I told him if we went there and took back everything we got for each other, he would be walking out of the house with the clothes he had on from jail.  He has nothing without me.  He wouldn’t leave my room, so I ended up undressing in front of him and then crawling into bed… guess he can look at what he can’t have anymore.  He stood in the doorway for about 20 mins, not saying anything before he finally closed the door and went to his room.  Then he started with the texts…. Here’s how it went:

CHRIS: I have to be at the probation office at 7am and then work after that. I may have to go sign papers on my lunch break to get (my son) enrolled in school. Will you be able to take me to that also? 
ME: No
CHRIS: So what do I need to do. Wed I have a 1 o’clock appointment I will have to go to. How do I get there? 
ME: When did that become my responsibility?
ME: But then I don’t do anything for you, right?
CHRIS: When you said I could not take the car to go anywhere. 
ME: Well I take care of you and feed you and clothe you and keep you outta jail. So maybe you should see what it’s really like w/o me and my ass. 
ME: It’s my car. When did you get a free ride? 
ME: You EXPECT other people to do for you
ME: AND you don’t appreciate anything
ME: I’m done being unappreciated
ME: You don’t love me. You love what I give you and the security and stability I provide for you. 
CHRIS: Who said it has been a free ride? Oh yeah that’s right I do not give you anything or any money or any time. 
ME: The little money that you do make goes toward your shit, like your probation, your tickets, your fines, your school. 
ME: You don’t make enough to cover half the rest of the bills. 
CHRIS: That is your opinion and every time you get mad that is what you say. Some guy is probably telling you this shit. So he can get me out of here. 
ME: This is all your fault for not communicating with me and not caring about my feelings. 
CHRIS: It is always my fault. Never a mutual thing with you. Oh no you could not be wrong on any account.  Since you decided that going to see another man was more important than me and to keep talking to another man was more important than my feelings I do not want to be in the same room with you. You really hurt my feelings but you don’t give a fuck it is what you want to do. 
ME: OK, did you think maybe you pushed me to it? It doesn’t matter now. 
ME: You need to get a place for you and your kid. 
CHRIS: Yea it is always my fault. 
ME: I don’t want this extra drama and stress and you don’t seem to care. 
CHRIS: Yeah I really act like I don’t care. 
ME: You don’t care, I told you 2 months ago I didn’t want him here and you brought him here and moved him in any way.  You never once tried to even discuss it with me, even though I tried talking to you about it over and over for months prior. 
CHRIS: You told me you did not want him here and you were mad a week ago cause I had not talked to you about him coming here. 
ME: YEAH
CHRIS: What is there to talk about if you tell me you do not want him here? 
ME: I said NO and you decided to go ahead anyway against my wishes. 
CHRIS: I will get out of your hair soon since my life has become too much for you. 
ME: Fine
ME: Ur disregard for me is too much, your disrespect for me is too much. 
CHRIS: Will I at least be able to use a vehicle to get back and forth to work and school? 
ME: When? 
ME: It’s funny to me that you can’t have a conversation with me until I do something drastic and then you text me – that’s pitiful. 
CHRIS: Everyday. I have to work and go to school everyday. 
ME: No, I’m not your keeper or your mother, or your guardian. 
CHRIS: No what? 
ME: No to a free ride. 
CHRIS: I don’t know why you think it’s a free ride. 
ME: stop texting me. this is ridiculous. 
Then he came and opened my door and asked if I really wanted him to move out and I said yes and he said ok, fine.
I have a few questions and would really like some HONEST feedback.  I really want to know if I am wrong in my thinking.  Since we have been together (off and on) Chris in the beginning never really worked, turns out he was getting fired for not going to work due to his drug binges – (I wasn’t aware he was not at work).   He has never brought in money and if he did, it wasn’t much at all.  I have ALWAYS worked and always paid the bills.  I have always paid for all the food and extra things we do.  If we go out to eat, I pay.  If we go to a movie, I pay. If we need gas, groceries or anything extra, I pay.  I even pay for his cigarettes and anything else he needs.   So yes, I do get irritated and stressed over money.  I have always felt like I was taking care of him.  It would be one thing if he did more around the house or helped me out in other ways, but he didn’t and doesn’t really do that to this day.  So it would upset me even more.  Sooo now that he is working, he is making steady income, but now he has more bills like his probation, his court fees and fines that he has to pay every month. His school payment, his medical costs (he has no insurance so it’s not cheap),  cost for books, his cigarettes, costs for gas to drive 3 hours to and from school (round trip) up keep on 2 vehicles, his energy drinks, his lunch when he doesn’t want to take a lunch like I do because he’s to lazy to fix it.   So the money he makes barely covers some of those things.  It’s not enough to pay half of the other bills like rent, water, sewer, electric, cable, internet, insurance, medical, food, cell phones, fun activities, dining out, gas and any other odds and ends.  I pay for all of that stuff on my own.  I even took a part-time job which had me working 7 days a week for over a year and it really didn’t benefit me much at all.  I make GREAT money at my regular job and can life a very normal, comfortable life on my own with just my regular job, but with him it’s hard.  I don’t like living pay check to pay check and with him that’s what I do.
So here are my questions…
1. Chris says I should not look at it as his money and my money if we are a couple it should be OUR money.  (I think that’s easy for him to say b/c he’s the one not making all the money and the one being taken care of. )  AM I WRONG IN MY THINKING HERE???
2. Chris says that he is going to school so that he can better himself for ME and take care of me in the future.  (I don’t know for sure that will happen and I asked him if that means I have to take care of him forever until it does.) He says if I want to be a family I shouldn’t have a problem with it.  IS THIS TRUE??? AM I BEING SELFISH??
3. I feel as though I am being punished when I have to help him pay his probation and court fees when he is paying those for being arrested for theft and part of that is for breaking into my house and stealing from me.  AM I WRONG IN THIS FEELING??
Thanks as always to my followers and those that give me such great feedback and advice, I always appreciate it !!

Relationship Details

I know I have been away from this blog for sometime, since before Christmas actually.  Things have been so rough as of late and I have been dedicating my blog time to a new, BRUTALLY HONEST blog that I created that is super private that I express things that I wouldn’t want most people I know reading, especially my mom (sorry mom).  I have decided some of the stuff that has been going on would be okay to put here, so I wanted to update some of my loyal fans and readers here as well.  I could use some good advice and I haven’t been led astray from any of my readers here as of yet, so I don’t know why I didn’t come to you guys sooner.  SHAME ON ME !!!

MOM – You can stop reading NOW if you like !!!

I wanted to let you know about some things that have surfaced recently within my relationship.  My bf and I have been together nearly 5 years off and on and over the last year and a half it’s been the best that it’s every been as far as him being on the “right” path.  However some of the things he has done in the past may have scared me enough to be causing me doubts and fears currently.

My bf and I are from the opposite ends of the spectrum as far as how we were raised and what type of family dynamic we had growing up. My relationship with my boyfriend has always been a struggle to say the least due to some of the bad decisions he has made over his life time.  I sometimes feel like we have a parent/child relationship.  My boyfriend, grew up with a shitty family, his mother was an addict, didn’t care for her children and so he was raised by his grandparents for the most part and on his own at 15. He’s done drugs the majority of his life and along with that made stupid decisions along the way.  So there are a lot of things he has to deal with these days due to some of those stupid decisions.  Like probation, tickets, fees, and all that goes along with that.  I many times am resentful due to him having a hard time finding a descent job, what jobs he can find are not well paying ones and I am usually stuck picking up the slack paying his fines, fees and such that must be paid monthly to keep him from going back to jail… Why do I stay??? I do love him deep down. He does have a good heart and for the most part he is a very loving man.  He however does lack responsibilities and maturity at times. So it just causes me more stress.  When he recently brought up the topic of marriage and then had me looking at rings to show him what I liked, it sorta freaked me out… I was sure I had made it clear in the past on a few occasions that I was not wanting to get married. Guess he figures I might have changed my mind.  Well I know for sure that I will NOT marry him while he is still on probation. I don’t want to have to deal with all of that, which I already am dealing with now.  But at any moment any screw up and he could easily go away for a long time. He has never been good at communicating and I usually just give up the fight after begging and begging for him to talk to me about things that are important and things that need to be discussed.  Well this time I couldn’t just let things go.  I have bee holding things in and it’s eating away at me from the inside out.  I for months now have been begging him to have some discussions with me about what was going on, what his plans were with school and work, and his son and so much more and he just seems to sit there and never really discuss anything.  Nothing ever seems to get resolved unless I just take it on and do it myself, or give up on the issue all together.

I had a long conversation with Chris, one that got very deep and emotional for the both of us.  There is so much history between the two of us over our 5 years together and there has been a lot of things that have caused us both pain.  I can’t say that I have been perfect, because I am nowhere near perfect in any sense of the word.  So, Chris and I had this talk and I laid it all out. Some of my deep down feelings that I hadn’t even come to terms with myself. I was brutally honest and it was hard on both of us.  I said some things I should have said a long time ago.  He cried, which I didn’t want, but it was something that needed to be said.  We talked about times that I had hurt him such as when we first met and I was at the time seeing another man and could not decide between the two of them and for nearly a year continued to see the both of them. He was talking about that as he got emotional and started to tear up and said that I could never know how much he loves and adores me. He said there is nothing I could ever do that would make him want to be without me. I so know that’s true.  I told him that I felt our relationship was really tough on me. I told him that over our 5 years together that it’s always been about him. That it’s always been about his needs and his problems and his troubles and what he needed to take care of and what I needed to do to help him get clean and to help him find a job and to help him stay on the right path and to help him stay away from the wrong crowd and to make sure the responsibilities and bills were taken care of and to make sure everything ran smoothly and to basically parent him and to just give and give and give some more.  I said when is it ever my turn to be spoiled a little, when is it my turn to give up some of the responsibility, when can I depend on someone, when can I let go of the reigns a little and relax, when can it not be so stressful on me, when can it be more about me? When do I not have to be so in control?  It got really quiet and then I said well say something.  He said everything you just said makes me feel like such a loser.  I said that’s not my intentions, I’m just trying to voice my feelings to you. I have held in my feelings for so long just trying to protect you and it’s long over due that you need to know and I need to say it out loud to myself as well.  I said I am doing you no favors by doing it all for you. I said that is one of your big problems is you don’t know how to take care of your responsibilities. I told him that I was hindering him. I told him I was so afraid that he would blow his money on stupid things or drugs or whatever and that is the reason I took so much control, but that wasn’t teaching him anything except to give up control to someone…  so I then told him he needs to start taking his own check and paying his own bills and being responsible for remembering to do it himself.   I told him I didn’t want to be involved in it anymore. I said I resent him already deep down that I have to be involved when his probation and fees stem partly from him breaking into my house and I feel as though I am being punished for being the victim.  So I told him to take it over and do it himself and if he missed his meetings or missed his payments then he only had himself to blame.  I also told him that I knew he wanted to get custody of his son. I told him that I did not want his son living in my home full time. I told him that I have enough trust issues with him for all that he has done over our 5 year history and I do not want to deal with all the drama and issues going on with his son right now.  I told him I do not have the patience to deal with that. I told him I was raised different and that I had my ass beat or was popped in the mouth when I spoke to an adult the way his child does and his son is not disciplined at all and speaks to people like they are garbage. I told him that will not happen in my house.  He cried.  He said he felt like he was having to choose between us. I told him I would not respect him unless he chose his son.  I said I would like to think he’s 15 and would be out on his own in 3 years but he is not mentally capable or mature enough to take of himself in the next 10 years so I know there is no way he will be on his own or even close to it in 3. I told him I would be miserable with him being in my home and I don’t want it at all. He was devastated.   He knew I was serious.  He asked what he was suppose to do with that information.  I said you need to do what you need to do to get your son and then get a place for the 2 of you. I said you can live down the street if you want.  He said and what? Are you going to come see me there. I said I would, but I need to be able to leave your child when he starts to act the way he does. I said he needs discipline. He said well then you discipline him, I said no, because I believe in getting your butt busted and you don’t. He said it’s a different world these days.  I said out there it is, but not in my house. I told him I didn’t want to have to try to fix 15 years of a fucked up kid… hate to say it but his kid has a lot of issues. He’s on all kinds of medication and he flips out at school and is always getting in trouble and suspended and detention and it’s awful. He is a compulsive liar and it’s awful. He will tell you one story and before he is even done with the story he will change it to something completely different and then before he is done say that’s not what he just said. It’s so annoying. I can’t stand it.  I have to leave the room because I don’t have the patience to even hear him speak sometimes. Anyway, it was a really deep conversation and I felt so much lifted off my shoulders by saying it out loud… I mean it really has relieved a lot of stress and pent up frustrations. I feel like I can sorta breathe…

Since our talk things have only gotten worse with his son… CPS ended up calling us late one evening to tell him that his son was taken away from his mother’s house along with her other 3 children and were in custody of the state due to one of the smaller children overdosing on medication.  There had been 5 reports to CPS about his mother and her new husband.  The husband had passed out while driving due to taking some sort of pills and wrecked the vehicle with all 4 children in the vehicle.  They told Chris that he would need to be in court on Jan 2nd to take custody of his son.  All of this was happening so fast.  I thought we were going to have to pay to get an attorney and go to court, and if I wasn’t paying for it, then I knew we had a little for Chris to save the money up… well that’s not the case now.  CPS had it in the works and it was already set for court.  Well while the children were at the foster house, his son got into trouble because he was not on his medication and he was fighting and causing trouble, when going to visitation with his mother and one of the other children’s father showed up to see that child, Chris’s son who is 15 lashed out at his mother and told her he wanted to hurt her and then proceeded to chase this man around the CPS building threatening him. This man was the man that abused him when he was 3 yrs old.  So the foster family said they did not want him to come back into their home.  CPS had to call the psych hospital and have him admitted into the psych ward.  Yeah this 15 yr old kid was now in the psych hospital and they were working up the papers for Chris to take custody of him and were bringing him to my home on Jan 3rd.  Chris and I argued due to his lack of searching for an apt for the 2 of them, he just expects me to change my mind and let them stay here.  I tried to explain my fears.  I told him that I don’t want him to lash out at me like he does other adults.  This 15 yr old child has lashed out at teachers and coaches at school. He got upset at one of his teachers for something ridiculous and he picked up a desk and threw it at her.  So now my stress is only multiplied.   This caused me to be so stressed that I did not want to celebrate my birthday on 12/21/2012.  I am however glad the world didn’t end that day 🙂   I also was not feeling Christmas and didn’t want to do anything for that day either.  My grandpa had been put in the hospital and was not sure when he was going to get out… it was just a cluster-f of a holiday season.  I worked 14.5 hours on New Years Eve and was exhausted when I got off so I didn’t celebrate that either…

So I hope you can see where some of my stress, frustration, fear, confusion and panic is coming from… these are all causing me to become very distant from people, especially Chris.  He is aware of the distance.  He is also aware that I have begun to talk to a few other guys… for what reason,  well that I’m not 100% sure of, so I cannot fully answer that question for him or for myself at this time.   This is not even the end of the story…. there’s still so much more to come.

~McQty~

Old Flame

In other recent news as of late – (MOM – you might not want to read this either)

I had previously mentioned James, the guy I dated many years ago.   He  looked me up after 8 years to profess his love for me and the mistake he made by letting me go so many years ago and how he would like to correct that mistake if he ever got the chance to do so. We have played catch up as to what’s going on in each of our lives. First I was flattered and shocked by the comments.  He wasn’t one to express his feelings in the past.  Might have been one of the reasons I left him.  I then inquired as to why?  He said he didn’t realize what he had until I walked out.  I was like wow, that’s very sweet of you to say.  So he’s been blowing up my phone and calling and telling me how much he loves me.  He said he loved me back then but didn’t know how to say it or show it properly.  He tells me all the time how he would go back and change things if he could, how his life would be so different if he would have chased me down.  He said he had looked for me over the years and never found me.  My stuff is invisible on FB, so you can’t find me very easily.  He tells me how much he misses me and misses the times we had and blah blah… it’s crazy.  WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??? All of this definitely brings back feelings I had for him once upon a time and it makes me wonder what if?

He travels a lot for his job, so that helps right now him not being close enough to do me danger (meaning get me in trouble-tempt me) right now.  He has been messaging and calling me quite a bit and at one point was upset about a comment made on FB about Chris bringing marriage up.  I never said anywhere on FB that I had said yes. I said that it was out of the blue and I thought Chris was just fishing for information.  So James was upset and was asking if I was planning on marrying Chris.   I did have to bring him back to reality in our text message following that, here’s how it went:

JAMES: Greetings from frozen Canada
ME:  Hi
JAMES: Are you naked?? I wanna see…
ME: I’m still at work
JAMES: So that’s a no huh..
ME: LOL
JAMES: What time do you get off tonight? 
ME: I’m leaving in a few minutes
JAMES: So naked by 530…. COOL
ME: It’s nearly 6 now. 
JAMES: Sorry on mountain time here.
ME: It’s okay
JAMES: So you will be naked for me by 6:30, 7 somewhere in there?
ME: No, I’m not getting naked till bed time. 
JAMES: That’s a yes. Your bedtime needs to be 7 tonight. 
ME: LOL I don’t think so. 
JAMES: You’re getting the theme here right? I WANNA SEE YOU NAKED !!!
ME: I somehow figured that one out. 
JAMES: I wanna see you now !
ME: Well then you better come home. 
JAMES: I can’t wait till then. 
ME:  NO, Maybe when you come home.  You have waited 8 years I think you can wait a few more weeks. 
JAMES: What do you mean NO ? 
ME: NO, NOPE, Opposite of Yes… LOL
JAMES:  I definitely don’t like the word No now.  8 years was 8 years to long. 
ME:  I think you will be fine waiting a little longer. 
JAMES: You’re a comedian.
ME:  You ran off and got married. 
JAMES: Yes, and I made a mistake. 
ME: It’s okay.  But now if you want me, You have to come and get me. 
JAMES: I leave Canada tomorrow…what do I get when I come back home, you under me or on top… YOUR choice. 
ME: LOL !! You’re pretty sure of yourself huh???
JAMES: You’re not??
ME: Have you really through this out?  Are you really planning on leaving her?
JAMES:  What are you expecting?
ME: I don’t expect anything because you’re the one that’s married now.  There is nothing I can do about that fact. 
JAMES:  Not at all – YOU have a big say in this. 
ME:  I mean really have you really thought about this?  Are you gonna give up your new house, your land?  I’m not moving there. So are you planning on moving back here? You’re the one that would have to make a lot of changes and I don’t know that you have really thought this through. 
JAMES: You know I have been looking for you for years. I told you that. My marriage has been over for years as well. I don’t care about the house and land, she can have it, if it means I need to move back to be with you I will do that.  I just want you to gimme another chance, I won’t make the same mistake again. I won’t let you go this time. 
ME: I don’t want to be the reason you finally divorce and I can’t promise that there will be a future with us. A long time has gone by and people change. 
JAMES: I just want you to see me, gimme that. I need to see you. I need to hold you again. I have missed you more than you know. 
ME:  I’m just not used to you being so vocal with your feelings.  It’s a little scary to me. 
JAMES: Well that doesn’t really answer my question, but I want to see you, I really do. 
ME: I’m blown away by you telling me how you feel. I would like to see you again. 
JAMES: Do you plan on marrying him?  
ME:  I do not plan on marring him or anyone else anytime soon.  I especially will not marry him while he is still on probation. 
JAMES: Well I hope you don’t.  I hope you wait and give me a chance to show you I have changed and show you how much I love you. 
ME: Well lets just take things one day at a time and see what happens.

THERE YOU GO – Do you see the nonsense I am dealing with as of late??? The kicker here and the reason I haven’t just told James to go take a flying leap…  I really did care about him back then, however I never came out and told him so.  He had a hard exterior and was not going to be open up and let a woman get in close enough to hurt him, so he kept me at arms distance and never expressed his feelings so I in turn didn’t either.

I don’t know what has changed this man, but there is definitely a change.  Maybe its age that has matured him, time, I have no clue, maybe it is just what he says and losing me was a mistake and he’s gonna do whatever it takes to get show me that and make sure not to let it happen again… I have no idea.  Here are how our latest texts have been going…

JAMES: Hello beautiful are you off work yet?
ME: I just left the office.
JAMES: How was your day?
ME: It was good, but much better now that it’s over.
JAMES: You have been on my mind all day.
ME: That’s sweet, thank you.
JAMES: What’s your favorite flower?
ME: Tulips
JAMES: Compared to the sweet smell of your skin all flowers are skunks.
JAMES:  ❤ I’ll always remember the day I first spoke to you, hearing your voice was like listening to angels in heaven ❤
ME: OMG
ME: Where did that come from???
JAMES: I just love you and wanted you to know.
JAMES: ❤ Darling, I thought of you and it made me smile ❤
ME: Are you drunk?
ME: You have never talked like that before, it’s so new to hear you talk like that to me.  It’s so very sweet though.
JAMES: I love you and I want you to know it.
ME: It’s always nice to have someone in your life who can make you smile even when they are not around. (This was a quote/picture I found and sent to him)
JAMES: I like that ❤
ME: <3<3<3
JAMES: You make me feel like every day is Christmas. I want to come for a kiss under the mistletoe ❤
ME: Awww
JAMES: Wish you were laying next to me now.
ME: Awww.  Are you tired?
JAMES: Can you call?

After our phone call – 

JAMES: I adore you ❤
JAMES: It was great to talk to you my love. Just hearing your voice makes me happy.  It also makes me realize how much I miss you. I want to hold you and make love to you so bad it hurts. ❤ ❤
ME: You blow me away with the things you say these days. 
JAMES: I LOVE YOU. Nite Sexy.
ME: Night honey.

Next morning – 

JAMES: Good morning my sweet, sexy love. Hope all is well. 
ME: Morning, how are you?
JAMES: Good, woke up thinking about you.
ME: What time are you going to be in town today, do you know yet?
JAMES: Probably around 7.
ME: How long are you going to be in town before you have to leave to be back in Canada?
JAMES: I got all the time I need if it means I get to see you ❤
ME: Aww, thank you.
JAMES: Do you work tomorrow?
ME: Nope
JAMES: <3<3<3
JAMES: I’m on the way to see you, 20 mins to town.  I Love You and can’t wait to finally hold you.
JAMES: I wish I could hear your voice right now because I miss you so much.
JAMES: I made it, so call me when your ready.  I can’t wait to get you in my arms, I might never let you go again.  I can’t wait to tell you I love you in person, I have been waiting 8 years to do just that. 

So I suppose you can guess that I went to meet up with James, and you would be correct.  I’m going to leave the story there for now.  It  was really strange seeing him after so long, but it was nice to see him.

This is just one of the causes for confusion and stress currently stirring up my life right now… but by far not the only thing.

I am a little lost as to what I am doing or what the future holds for me. Stay tuned to see what happens.
~McQty~

Trashcan Punch

Isn’t trashcan punch what they call it when you toss every possible alcohol within arms distance together in a big bowl or trashcan? Well this post is going to be a form of trashcan punch cause I’m gonna throw a bunch of stuff in here.

Sorry for those of you that were hoping for a recipe 😀 but if you have a good one to share…

So I know I have been neglecting my blog and I deserve a good spanking.  So much has been going on, but then again, isn’t that always my excuse when I’m MIA for a period of time.  Shouldn’t that be when I’m blogging the most? You would think so huh? Well I’ve been known to be half-ass-backwards…

So last I blogged about being at the dr and hoping to get a good report.  I actually did and would like to share some of my results with you.  I was delighted to find out that I had lost 3.5 lbs in 10 days from the date I had started my 2nd diet pill.  So that was super exciting. I was so excited that when the nurse got me back to my room, I warned her that my blood pressure would probably be high because I was excited.  Sure enough it was.  Anyway… I met with my nutritionist, told her all the changes I had made in my diet. Cut out butter almost completely. I had cut back on fried foods, lots more water, more seafood, taking my vitamins and fish oil, using my flax seed and light and greek yogurts and I could tell a big difference since starting these diet pills in my appetite and my energy level.  I told her about joining the YMCA again and she was overall thrilled.  I shared with her my pirates booty, my new favorite healthy snack. Told her about my other healthy go to snacks as well.  She was really excited to see the changes I had made as well.   I then got to see the dr.  We got my blood sugar results back and my A1C had dropped from 8.3 down to 7.2 in 3 months.  I was thrilled.  She was very excited too. She was glad to see that I had improved in testing my sugars and was doing it regularly which I had not been doing previously.  The other reports hadn’t come back yet which were the numbers I really wanted to find out… my cholesterol numbers… so I was a little disappointed.  But I did get to find out before I left for the day.  Here are some of my results.  I was so excited.  My prev date was 8/14, Current date is 11/14

Cholesterol     Prev (236)  Current (143) goal to get lower
Triglyceride    Prev(1051) Current (195) (I ate some garlic butter chicken fajitas the day before blood work prev so that’s why so high) still need to get lower
HDL     Prev (27)  Current (35) still need to get higher
LDL Cholesterol   Prev (90)  Current (69)

The report – I saw it actually said “LDL (bad cholesterol) should be under 100 mg/dl. Your LDL cholesterol is good!”  I have NEVER had anything say anything to do with my cholesterol was GOOD… I was so thrilled and was so happy to see that my hard work was actually showing.

The dietitian called me later in the week to tell me how proud she was and told me that they never have patients that bring their numbers down that fast in that short amount of time ever. I felt really good about the progress I was making and it makes me only want to continue and do more and try harder.

So yesterday 12/04/12 I had another follow up with my reg dr here in town that I see with my diet pill and da dat da daaa… I lost 6 lbs this month !! I was so excited.  I haven’t been trying as hard as I can or should and I haven’t been really restricting myself from anything except butter and sweets.  So now that I see that just that is working I’m gonna kick it into gear.  I went shopping with my sister on Saturday after we pampered ourselves at the spa first.  While trying on clothes the sales lady brought me the wrong size, (size smaller) and I wasn’t sure about trying it on, but I did anyway… IT FIT PERFECT !!! I was so excited, I almost squealed in the dressing room.  I almost ran to the check out to buy them 🙂   So that totally made my day.

On another front… I had a guy I dated over 8 years ago look me up on fb and that was such a shock.  After responding to him and catching up for about 20 mins he proceeds to tell me that he made the biggest mistake of his life letting me go so long ago. I was like wow, that was out of nowhere. I asked why and he said he didn’t know what he had until I walked out of his life.  He said that he tried to find me over the years and was unable.  He said that he didn’t know just how much he loved me until I was gone.  I was floored.  I really cared about this guy back then.  I never expressed how much I cared about him because he had this wall up and kept me at arms length away.  He never expressed his true feelings to me, so I had no clue.  He asked me what ever happened to us, why did I leave him.  I honestly didn’t know.  I think at the time I was dating a couple of different guys and someone or something became more interesting or became more of a serious deal and I walked away from him.  That’s the only thing I can think of.   So now’s he’s making it known that if he was to ever get another chance he would never make that same mistake twice. So that’s sorta strange.

I did mention it to Chris because I did give the guy my number, his name is James by the way in case I later decide to tell something else. I’m sure something might come up again.  So I did tell Chris about it… He didn’t seem to worried.   But the week after we came home from my mom’s for Thanksgiving as we were sitting on the couch watching tv. I was on the computer not really paying to much attention and Chris said is that what you want and I looked up and saw a jewelry commercial on the tv.  I said what? Diamonds? of course you can’t go wrong with diamonds.  He’s been at me about what I want for Christmas and my birthday for weeks now.  He then said no, the other.  I said what other.  He said, TO GET MARRIED.   I almost choked.  I said whoa, that was outta the blue. Where did that come from.  He said well it’s been on my mind a lot lately.  I said, what’s been on your mind.  He said well, have we waited long enough, how long is long enough, how long should you wait, should I say something, should I just come out and ask, should we talk about it, those kinds of things.  I was so shocked.  I just kept taking a drink of water every time he stopped talking because I didn’t know what to say.  I finally said well that really came out of the blue.  Then I got up and went to the bathroom.  I didn’t really know what to think of all of that.  Was that suppose to be a question? Was that just information? Is he just testing the waters to see what I might say?  WHAT THE HELL??  I know I am not ready to get married. I know that for a fact.  I won’t be for some time.  I know I love Chris or I wouldn’t put up with half of the stuff I have and still put up with on a regular basis… but there are just unresolved things that need to be finalized, taken care of and discussed before we even get to the point of discussing that topic.  He’s also really pushing us going to court to get custody of his son, and to be completely honest I don’t want custody of his son.  Besides the fact that the costs it would take to go to court would all be put on me, I do not want his son living with us full time.  I have voiced that to Chris a couple of times and all it does is cause a huge fight.  So if it comes down to it, that will be a cause for us to split.  That I know for sure.  I am not going to budge on that point there.

I got my 12 Days of Christmas Swop package in the mail last week and I am super excited to start blogging about my gifts starting Monday the 10th… I’m excited for Janet to get her package and to read her posts as she opens her gifts.

Well, I will close for now, cause my fingers are worn out, and I need a break.  I will be back soon.  Happy Hump Day Folks !!
~McQty~

The Good, the Bad, and the Rest

OMG !! There is so much to tell you.

So lets start with the Bad Stuff…

**I have been so busy lately I haven’t made the time to blog. So sorry for that.  But now’s my chance to catch up (mustard).
**I haven’t made a whole lot of time for much other than work.
**My good friend Sass-a-Frass lost her father-in-law and my heart goes out to her and her family. It’s never easy to lose a loved one and I know it’s been hard on her husband watching his father battle his illness.
**Just at my regular job, not counting my pt job, I worked 98.75 hrs over the last two weeks.
**I haven’t gotten all my shopping done for my swap partner. I have to get on the ball with this, gotta have it wrapped and mailed by Saturday.
**I didn’t go into work at my pt job and I didn’t call in or answer the phone when my boss called me or return his phone calls when he left a message.  This is not like me at all.  I just really don’t know what to say to him. I have mixed feelings about quitting and was kinda hopping he would just fire me, but then again I have never been fired from a job either.  He hasn’t fired me either.  He still calls and asks if I’m coming back or not.  I would have already fired my ass.

Now on to some Good stuff…

**I have been working on my mini-trees and have come up with some creative ideas and have only gotten better with each tree.
**I took off the weekend to spend some time with my sweetie, to sleep in and to get my hair done.
**I died my hair darker for the fall/winter season and I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE it !!!!
**I worked 98.75 hours in 2 weeks which means 18.75 hrs of overtime – OMG can’t wait until tomorrow for pay day !!!
**My sister, bro-in-law and mom came through town on Friday and I got to have lunch with them, it was great to visit, but it went by way to fast.
**My mom is spending the week with us and I took off Tues and Wed for a road trip with mom to Oklahoma.
**Today I have some down-time to catch-up (mustard) on my blogging and emails.
**The weather here in OK is gorgeous today. I took a couple of pictures of the beautiful scenery around us.  I love the trees and the fall colors all around.
**I am loving the time with my mom chatting and laughing and giving her a hard time.
**I got assigned my 12 Days of Christmas Swop partner and found out who my “Santa” was as well.  My “Santa” will be Cheryl and I will be “Santa” for Janet.
**I am super excited to shop for Janet and trying to come up with some creative gift ideas.  I want to find things that she may not be able to get in Austrailia or Zurich.
**I am SUPER ELATED OVER THE MOON EXCITED that when seeing my dr today I found out that I have lost another 3 lbs since 11/04. Yeah in 10 days I have lost 3 lbs… WHOOP WHOOP !!! I was so excited that when the nurse called me back and started to take my blood pressure I told her it might come up high and she asked why, I told her I was excited to see I had just lost another 3 lbs.  YEP it was up 175/85.  Well when the dr came in she said it was high and I told her what I had told the nurse. She said she would check again before I left.  Stay tuned for the REST of the story…
**I was pleased to find out that my A1C dropped from 8.3 down to 7.2 WHOOO HOOO !!! I need to now get it 2 point more lower and then I will be in the good 🙂
**I met with the director at the YMCA and I will be set up with my trainer this week and start my water aerobics classes… EXCITED !!! I hope this trainer doesn’t kill me.

Now the REST of the story…

**So for my Christmas swop we are just suppose to open one present a day and then blog about the process in some way.  I of course like to do things a little differnet and be original so I think I might take pictures of the item before I wrap it…. but up close, really close, like where you can’t make out what it is, but gives a clue maybe and then ask Janet to look at the pics before opening the items and see if she can guess any of the presents.  See if she can blog about her guesses and then she can open them daily and see if she gets any right.  I just think that might add some fun and mystery and excitement to it.
**My dr was really pleased with all the changes I have made with my diet and how I am trying to better things and move forward. She also took my bp again before I left and it was 110/74… she laughed and said I guess you really were excited 🙂  YEPPERS 🙂

Well that’s really all I have time for today, I hope everyone is having a wonderful week.  Happy Hump Day. Blessings to all.

That’s All Folks !!
~McQty~

Giving Thanks – Days 3, 4, 5, & 6

I’m not really one that does a lot of blogging on the weekend.  I am in front of a computer at least 8 hours a day M-F, so when the weekend comes, I tend to venture from the computer unless it’s to check my facebook or something quick.  So today I am playing catch-up on my thanks and I’m gonna pack it today 🙂

**I am thankful for having Saturday off and for actually going to my appt with the Director of the YMCA.  She was going to give my info to one of the trainers and have the trainer call me to schedule a time to get together.
**I am thankful for the wonderful weather we had this weekend, I was able to turn the radio up, roll down the windows and let the wind have it’s way with my hair.
**I was thankful for the awesome Sat afternoon I had with my sweetie. It was nice to have the day together to do whatever we wanted.  Some over-due hanky-panky (sorry mom), lots of cuddling, some movie watching, some shopping, and all-around great day.
**I so did not want to get up on Sunday and go to a part time job that I don’t even need… so I asked Chris if I could quit and he said of course and that was all I needed to nuzzle myself back into my pillow and off to dream land – I am thankful for the okay from my babe to quit.  I feel somewhat guilty about not calling in and not answering the phone when they called or calling them back after they left a message.
**I am thankful for my awesome doctor that I have had for nearly 13 years and for putting up with my manic self at times.  I had a 4 week follow up with her today to see how the diet pill she put me on is doing.  I told her I didn’t feel like I had lost anything, but I could sure feel the difference in my energy.  She said I had lost 4.5 lbs.  Well there you go… could be better, I want to be a bigger loser than that… So she added the 2nd diet pill and we are going to see how the 2 working together will do… should work great since I am going to see the trainer and get back into my water aerobics classes.  Excited for the next check up in 4 weeks.
**I am thankful for awesome music out these days that just totally gets me through long days at work.
**I’m thankful for the awesome shows out right now like The Walking Dead, Revenge, Scandal, American Horror Story.
**I am thankful for living in a country that allows you the ability to speak your mind and vote for your leaders.  Your voice matters and you should always remember that !

I hope you all have an awesome Tuesday !
~McQty~