Relationship Details

I know I have been away from this blog for sometime, since before Christmas actually.  Things have been so rough as of late and I have been dedicating my blog time to a new, BRUTALLY HONEST blog that I created that is super private that I express things that I wouldn’t want most people I know reading, especially my mom (sorry mom).  I have decided some of the stuff that has been going on would be okay to put here, so I wanted to update some of my loyal fans and readers here as well.  I could use some good advice and I haven’t been led astray from any of my readers here as of yet, so I don’t know why I didn’t come to you guys sooner.  SHAME ON ME !!!

MOM – You can stop reading NOW if you like !!!

I wanted to let you know about some things that have surfaced recently within my relationship.  My bf and I have been together nearly 5 years off and on and over the last year and a half it’s been the best that it’s every been as far as him being on the “right” path.  However some of the things he has done in the past may have scared me enough to be causing me doubts and fears currently.

My bf and I are from the opposite ends of the spectrum as far as how we were raised and what type of family dynamic we had growing up. My relationship with my boyfriend has always been a struggle to say the least due to some of the bad decisions he has made over his life time.  I sometimes feel like we have a parent/child relationship.  My boyfriend, grew up with a shitty family, his mother was an addict, didn’t care for her children and so he was raised by his grandparents for the most part and on his own at 15. He’s done drugs the majority of his life and along with that made stupid decisions along the way.  So there are a lot of things he has to deal with these days due to some of those stupid decisions.  Like probation, tickets, fees, and all that goes along with that.  I many times am resentful due to him having a hard time finding a descent job, what jobs he can find are not well paying ones and I am usually stuck picking up the slack paying his fines, fees and such that must be paid monthly to keep him from going back to jail… Why do I stay??? I do love him deep down. He does have a good heart and for the most part he is a very loving man.  He however does lack responsibilities and maturity at times. So it just causes me more stress.  When he recently brought up the topic of marriage and then had me looking at rings to show him what I liked, it sorta freaked me out… I was sure I had made it clear in the past on a few occasions that I was not wanting to get married. Guess he figures I might have changed my mind.  Well I know for sure that I will NOT marry him while he is still on probation. I don’t want to have to deal with all of that, which I already am dealing with now.  But at any moment any screw up and he could easily go away for a long time. He has never been good at communicating and I usually just give up the fight after begging and begging for him to talk to me about things that are important and things that need to be discussed.  Well this time I couldn’t just let things go.  I have bee holding things in and it’s eating away at me from the inside out.  I for months now have been begging him to have some discussions with me about what was going on, what his plans were with school and work, and his son and so much more and he just seems to sit there and never really discuss anything.  Nothing ever seems to get resolved unless I just take it on and do it myself, or give up on the issue all together.

I had a long conversation with Chris, one that got very deep and emotional for the both of us.  There is so much history between the two of us over our 5 years together and there has been a lot of things that have caused us both pain.  I can’t say that I have been perfect, because I am nowhere near perfect in any sense of the word.  So, Chris and I had this talk and I laid it all out. Some of my deep down feelings that I hadn’t even come to terms with myself. I was brutally honest and it was hard on both of us.  I said some things I should have said a long time ago.  He cried, which I didn’t want, but it was something that needed to be said.  We talked about times that I had hurt him such as when we first met and I was at the time seeing another man and could not decide between the two of them and for nearly a year continued to see the both of them. He was talking about that as he got emotional and started to tear up and said that I could never know how much he loves and adores me. He said there is nothing I could ever do that would make him want to be without me. I so know that’s true.  I told him that I felt our relationship was really tough on me. I told him that over our 5 years together that it’s always been about him. That it’s always been about his needs and his problems and his troubles and what he needed to take care of and what I needed to do to help him get clean and to help him find a job and to help him stay on the right path and to help him stay away from the wrong crowd and to make sure the responsibilities and bills were taken care of and to make sure everything ran smoothly and to basically parent him and to just give and give and give some more.  I said when is it ever my turn to be spoiled a little, when is it my turn to give up some of the responsibility, when can I depend on someone, when can I let go of the reigns a little and relax, when can it not be so stressful on me, when can it be more about me? When do I not have to be so in control?  It got really quiet and then I said well say something.  He said everything you just said makes me feel like such a loser.  I said that’s not my intentions, I’m just trying to voice my feelings to you. I have held in my feelings for so long just trying to protect you and it’s long over due that you need to know and I need to say it out loud to myself as well.  I said I am doing you no favors by doing it all for you. I said that is one of your big problems is you don’t know how to take care of your responsibilities. I told him that I was hindering him. I told him I was so afraid that he would blow his money on stupid things or drugs or whatever and that is the reason I took so much control, but that wasn’t teaching him anything except to give up control to someone…  so I then told him he needs to start taking his own check and paying his own bills and being responsible for remembering to do it himself.   I told him I didn’t want to be involved in it anymore. I said I resent him already deep down that I have to be involved when his probation and fees stem partly from him breaking into my house and I feel as though I am being punished for being the victim.  So I told him to take it over and do it himself and if he missed his meetings or missed his payments then he only had himself to blame.  I also told him that I knew he wanted to get custody of his son. I told him that I did not want his son living in my home full time. I told him that I have enough trust issues with him for all that he has done over our 5 year history and I do not want to deal with all the drama and issues going on with his son right now.  I told him I do not have the patience to deal with that. I told him I was raised different and that I had my ass beat or was popped in the mouth when I spoke to an adult the way his child does and his son is not disciplined at all and speaks to people like they are garbage. I told him that will not happen in my house.  He cried.  He said he felt like he was having to choose between us. I told him I would not respect him unless he chose his son.  I said I would like to think he’s 15 and would be out on his own in 3 years but he is not mentally capable or mature enough to take of himself in the next 10 years so I know there is no way he will be on his own or even close to it in 3. I told him I would be miserable with him being in my home and I don’t want it at all. He was devastated.   He knew I was serious.  He asked what he was suppose to do with that information.  I said you need to do what you need to do to get your son and then get a place for the 2 of you. I said you can live down the street if you want.  He said and what? Are you going to come see me there. I said I would, but I need to be able to leave your child when he starts to act the way he does. I said he needs discipline. He said well then you discipline him, I said no, because I believe in getting your butt busted and you don’t. He said it’s a different world these days.  I said out there it is, but not in my house. I told him I didn’t want to have to try to fix 15 years of a fucked up kid… hate to say it but his kid has a lot of issues. He’s on all kinds of medication and he flips out at school and is always getting in trouble and suspended and detention and it’s awful. He is a compulsive liar and it’s awful. He will tell you one story and before he is even done with the story he will change it to something completely different and then before he is done say that’s not what he just said. It’s so annoying. I can’t stand it.  I have to leave the room because I don’t have the patience to even hear him speak sometimes. Anyway, it was a really deep conversation and I felt so much lifted off my shoulders by saying it out loud… I mean it really has relieved a lot of stress and pent up frustrations. I feel like I can sorta breathe…

Since our talk things have only gotten worse with his son… CPS ended up calling us late one evening to tell him that his son was taken away from his mother’s house along with her other 3 children and were in custody of the state due to one of the smaller children overdosing on medication.  There had been 5 reports to CPS about his mother and her new husband.  The husband had passed out while driving due to taking some sort of pills and wrecked the vehicle with all 4 children in the vehicle.  They told Chris that he would need to be in court on Jan 2nd to take custody of his son.  All of this was happening so fast.  I thought we were going to have to pay to get an attorney and go to court, and if I wasn’t paying for it, then I knew we had a little for Chris to save the money up… well that’s not the case now.  CPS had it in the works and it was already set for court.  Well while the children were at the foster house, his son got into trouble because he was not on his medication and he was fighting and causing trouble, when going to visitation with his mother and one of the other children’s father showed up to see that child, Chris’s son who is 15 lashed out at his mother and told her he wanted to hurt her and then proceeded to chase this man around the CPS building threatening him. This man was the man that abused him when he was 3 yrs old.  So the foster family said they did not want him to come back into their home.  CPS had to call the psych hospital and have him admitted into the psych ward.  Yeah this 15 yr old kid was now in the psych hospital and they were working up the papers for Chris to take custody of him and were bringing him to my home on Jan 3rd.  Chris and I argued due to his lack of searching for an apt for the 2 of them, he just expects me to change my mind and let them stay here.  I tried to explain my fears.  I told him that I don’t want him to lash out at me like he does other adults.  This 15 yr old child has lashed out at teachers and coaches at school. He got upset at one of his teachers for something ridiculous and he picked up a desk and threw it at her.  So now my stress is only multiplied.   This caused me to be so stressed that I did not want to celebrate my birthday on 12/21/2012.  I am however glad the world didn’t end that day 🙂   I also was not feeling Christmas and didn’t want to do anything for that day either.  My grandpa had been put in the hospital and was not sure when he was going to get out… it was just a cluster-f of a holiday season.  I worked 14.5 hours on New Years Eve and was exhausted when I got off so I didn’t celebrate that either…

So I hope you can see where some of my stress, frustration, fear, confusion and panic is coming from… these are all causing me to become very distant from people, especially Chris.  He is aware of the distance.  He is also aware that I have begun to talk to a few other guys… for what reason,  well that I’m not 100% sure of, so I cannot fully answer that question for him or for myself at this time.   This is not even the end of the story…. there’s still so much more to come.

~McQty~

Christmas Swop – Day 12

This is it the end of the Christmas Swop – Gift 12.

IMG_1098

IMG_1099

Hello Kitty… Is it a paddle? A fan? NOPE….

IMG_1100

IT’S A MIRROR !!

Pretty cool.

I just want to send a huge THANK YOU out to my “SWOP SANTA”, Cheryl for all of my fun gifts. This was a lot of fun and I am so glad I got a chance to participate in this swop.  I really enjoyed getting to shop for Janet and see all the other participants gifts and read about their exchanges as well.  What a great fun to be had by all.  Hope to do it again sometime.

~McQty~

Christmas Swop – Day 10

I’m sorry for the HUMONGOUS DELAY – IF YOU ONLY KNEW – SOOOOO MUCH has been going on in the last month or so and I have neglected this blog more than I would like and I have sorta given up on so many things as of late… but I’m going to get back on track and the first order of business is to get my swop posts completed and get things caught up on this blog.

So here is post 10.  I apologize to all my other swop partners for being so behind and not finishing up my task like I should have.  Hope you all had a wonderful holiday… I know mine was probably one of the worst holiday seasons I have ever had.

SWOP GIFT – 10

IMG_1088

IMG_1089

Hello Kitty, what you got for me???

IMG_1090

These are some cute, red, jelly type little bow earrings.  They are so cute with a little sparkle to them.

IMG_1091

These will be so fun and playful to wear !!

Thanks to Cheryl !

7 Deadly Sins

I found this on a fellow bloggers page, (thanks Janet!) and just had to jump on the band wagon myself. It was orginally found here.  It definitely made me thing… might just give you a little insight into yourself too !!

239253798923662906_5OTjY7zf_c

 

pride
seven great things in your life.

1. A wonderfully close family and group of friends.
2. I love whole-heartedly.
3. I’m finally learning to accept my diabetes and deal with it.
4. I have a very loving, positive, giving personality.
5. I’m a great communicator.
6. I have 3 awesome furr-kids (dogs)
7.  I’m a very hard worker.
 
envy
seven things you lack and covet.
 
1. Time.
2. Perfect Body.
3. Wealth.
4. Patience.
5. Children.
6. My own home.
7. College Degree.

 

wrath
seven things that make you angry
 
1. Lies – Liars – Deceit.
2. Being judged for my weight.
3. Cruelty to animals.
4. People that abuse the system.
5.  Parents that let their children run wild.
6. Having to wait.
7.  Paying bills.

sloth
seven things that you neglect to do.
 
1. Exercise (that’s gonna change)
2. Clean house regularly.
3. Save more money.
4. Eat better.
5.  Read more.
6. Make more time with friends
7. Travel.

 

greed
seven worldly material desires.
 
1. A loaded checking & savings account
2.  A large home with lots of land for animals
3.  Maids to keep my large home tidy
4.  Homes for my family members
5. Lake cabin
6. Boat and water toys
7. Tropical hide-away
 
gluttony
seven guilty pleasures.
 
1. Chips and Queso
2. Making out for hours with a great kisser.
3. Movie theatre popcorn. 
4. Red Lobster’s Shrimp Scampi
5. Almond Joy.
6. Attention from Men.
7. Games.

lust
seven things you love about love
 
1. The endless smiles.
2. Giddy laughter.
3. Butterflies.
   4. Deep Sighs – having to catch your breath.
5. The long conversations.
6. The passion.
7. The never getting enough of each other.
 
 

The Good, the Bad, and the Rest

OMG !! There is so much to tell you.

So lets start with the Bad Stuff…

**I have been so busy lately I haven’t made the time to blog. So sorry for that.  But now’s my chance to catch up (mustard).
**I haven’t made a whole lot of time for much other than work.
**My good friend Sass-a-Frass lost her father-in-law and my heart goes out to her and her family. It’s never easy to lose a loved one and I know it’s been hard on her husband watching his father battle his illness.
**Just at my regular job, not counting my pt job, I worked 98.75 hrs over the last two weeks.
**I haven’t gotten all my shopping done for my swap partner. I have to get on the ball with this, gotta have it wrapped and mailed by Saturday.
**I didn’t go into work at my pt job and I didn’t call in or answer the phone when my boss called me or return his phone calls when he left a message.  This is not like me at all.  I just really don’t know what to say to him. I have mixed feelings about quitting and was kinda hopping he would just fire me, but then again I have never been fired from a job either.  He hasn’t fired me either.  He still calls and asks if I’m coming back or not.  I would have already fired my ass.

Now on to some Good stuff…

**I have been working on my mini-trees and have come up with some creative ideas and have only gotten better with each tree.
**I took off the weekend to spend some time with my sweetie, to sleep in and to get my hair done.
**I died my hair darker for the fall/winter season and I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE it !!!!
**I worked 98.75 hours in 2 weeks which means 18.75 hrs of overtime – OMG can’t wait until tomorrow for pay day !!!
**My sister, bro-in-law and mom came through town on Friday and I got to have lunch with them, it was great to visit, but it went by way to fast.
**My mom is spending the week with us and I took off Tues and Wed for a road trip with mom to Oklahoma.
**Today I have some down-time to catch-up (mustard) on my blogging and emails.
**The weather here in OK is gorgeous today. I took a couple of pictures of the beautiful scenery around us.  I love the trees and the fall colors all around.
**I am loving the time with my mom chatting and laughing and giving her a hard time.
**I got assigned my 12 Days of Christmas Swop partner and found out who my “Santa” was as well.  My “Santa” will be Cheryl and I will be “Santa” for Janet.
**I am super excited to shop for Janet and trying to come up with some creative gift ideas.  I want to find things that she may not be able to get in Austrailia or Zurich.
**I am SUPER ELATED OVER THE MOON EXCITED that when seeing my dr today I found out that I have lost another 3 lbs since 11/04. Yeah in 10 days I have lost 3 lbs… WHOOP WHOOP !!! I was so excited that when the nurse called me back and started to take my blood pressure I told her it might come up high and she asked why, I told her I was excited to see I had just lost another 3 lbs.  YEP it was up 175/85.  Well when the dr came in she said it was high and I told her what I had told the nurse. She said she would check again before I left.  Stay tuned for the REST of the story…
**I was pleased to find out that my A1C dropped from 8.3 down to 7.2 WHOOO HOOO !!! I need to now get it 2 point more lower and then I will be in the good 🙂
**I met with the director at the YMCA and I will be set up with my trainer this week and start my water aerobics classes… EXCITED !!! I hope this trainer doesn’t kill me.

Now the REST of the story…

**So for my Christmas swop we are just suppose to open one present a day and then blog about the process in some way.  I of course like to do things a little differnet and be original so I think I might take pictures of the item before I wrap it…. but up close, really close, like where you can’t make out what it is, but gives a clue maybe and then ask Janet to look at the pics before opening the items and see if she can guess any of the presents.  See if she can blog about her guesses and then she can open them daily and see if she gets any right.  I just think that might add some fun and mystery and excitement to it.
**My dr was really pleased with all the changes I have made with my diet and how I am trying to better things and move forward. She also took my bp again before I left and it was 110/74… she laughed and said I guess you really were excited 🙂  YEPPERS 🙂

Well that’s really all I have time for today, I hope everyone is having a wonderful week.  Happy Hump Day. Blessings to all.

That’s All Folks !!
~McQty~

Count me In !!!!

I was reading one of my fellow bloggers posts, RubenesqueSmoothie, 12-days-of-Christmas, who was sharing an activity that she is participating in. When I went to the main page to check out the full details, it sounded like a great idea, something fun and definitely something I would like to participate in as well.

It’s the 12 Days of Christmas Swop.  You package up 12 individually wrapped items in a box and send it off to a fellow blogger that you have been paired up with.  In the process you get to meet a new blogger and blog about the gifts you receive in return.  Once you receive your gifts, you open them one day at a time.

WHAT doesn’t sound FUN about that ???

COUNT ME IN !!!

Image

Happy November 1st everyone !!
~McQty~