I Told You So

It’s kinda strange that yesterday Dr. Phil’s episode was about violent teens.  The main guest was a family with a very violent 15 yr old boy that did all kinds of violent acts.  Several of the things he did, were also things that Chris’s son has done recently or in the past. Some of the things including: 
*Yelling and Lashing out at parents / adults
*Being aggressive toward other children / peers
*Being suspended and having detention
*Cursing and yelling at teachers / coaches
*Threw a desk at a teacher. 
*Throwing objects, breaking things. 
*Lying, talking back
*Stealing, being sneaky, hiding objects
*Talking aggressively, finding pleasure in violence and weapons
*Threatening people 

That’s all I can think of off the top of my head.  I asked Chris to sit down with me and watch the Dr Phil episode.  I just kept looking over at Chris and then I said do you see why I have the fears I do?  Then the CPS worker who had come earlier to pick his son up to take him for a visit with his mom and younger bro and sister brought him back to the house. She told us that he acted out during the visit at the CPS office, and lashed out at his mother. He was screaming and yelling at her, calling her a liar and they had to get a police officer to restrain him in another room.  I asked Chris after the CPS worker left, do you see what I am trying to tell you?  Chris always comes back with “have you seen him act that way over here?” I said well not really, but he is over here for maybe a day or two every once in awhile.  He’s not here permanently and so it’s sorta like a vacation from his normal routine so he’s not going to act out cause it’s like a reward to get away. I said but once he’s been here awhile and you (Chris) start telling him NO and you (Chris) start taking away things as a punishment or you (Chris) tell him his friends can’t come over or start telling him to do his chores or getting onto him about things then you (Chris) will see him lash out at you. I told him to MARK MY WORDS.  I said those are the times I am worried about. 

So then I was trying to explain to Chris that his whole life he has made excuses for his own behavior and at this point he tells me things like I don’t know how to communicate, that he doesn’t know how to show love the right way, that he doesn’t know how to show respect the right way because he wasn’t taught how to do so growing up.  He just makes excuses about everything.  I said you are teaching your son to do the same thing. This conversation started when Chris opened his son’s report card and he failed PE.  I said who the fuck fails PE?  He said he failed because he wouldn’t dress out.  I said, REALLY?  So he’s choosing to be rebellious?? See what I mean? He said well he was at his mother’s and all this stuff was going on.  I said you baby him and coddle him too much. I said he will never mature into anything responsible because he will only learn to make excuses like you do.

Anyway.  I told him, your son knows right from wrong. I said he chooses to do wrong to get the attention and you feed right into it because you give him the attention he wants. I said this is the reason why I don’t want him here because you and I will never agree on how he is disciplined. So I asked Chris what he was going to do about him failing that class, he asked me what he should do.  I told him I didn’t want any part in that.  He then went to talk to his son about it and his son has some lame excuses saying something about him failing or doing bad because he had to do his work on a computer at home and didn’t have one. I told him that the school couldn’t fail him by making him do homework on a computer unless they provided the computer at the school.  So Chris came into the living room where I was and was telling me what his son had said and told me he was going to call the school today and find out and if they said something other than what his son was saying then his son was going to be in trouble… His son was on his heels and started studering and changing his story saying well no, I need to go up to the school with you to show them my grades on their computers because they don’t know and they will lie. Chris was like why would the school lie, and he said cause they are stuck up there. I mean it got ridiculous. Chris was talking to his son about it and his son yelled at him. I just stopped what I was doing in the kitchen and looked at them and Chris said do not speak to me like that and his son snapped back and said well you are not listening to me. You need to listen to me.  Chris told him to go to his room. I was shocked. What I had been telling Chris not 20 mins before was transpiring right in front of me.  Then I went to the bathroom and I could hear Chris still talking to him in his room and I heard him say some of the same words to his son that I had just said to Chris…. like – you are just making excuses and you need to stop.  Then I heard him say, you know right from wrong. 
Deep down, I felt JUSTIFIED… I felt like you actually listened for a change.  I almost wanted to cry. I didn’t and I didn’t mention it to Chris either.  I just kept the justified feeling to my self. No matter how bad I wanted to say I TOLD YOU SO !!

The Bottom Line

I want to apologize ahead of time for this post, it will probably be all over the place so try and bare with me as I update you guys on the latest happenings. (This post is from Wed 01/09/13)

I just really want to curl up in a ball and just cry.  I’m so just over everything today.  Shit with Chris last night was just to much to take.  I feel like I have wasted 5 yrs of my life being stupid. I feel so stupid.  Then I have to deal with Ken today and his bs and that had me all emotional… I’m just so over them both.  I just don’t understand. Chris and I had a go at it last night and it all boiled down to basically that he doesn’t have a job that he makes a lot of money and that his money goes to his bills and then he doesn’t have enough to help me with the rest of the reg bills, I pay all of that.  He said it could be worse if he didn’t have a job and I could be paying all of his bills.  I was like WHAT?

He said I look at it as his money and my money, he said he looks at it as he takes my check and his check and puts them together as OUR money. I said of course you do cause you don’t make any money and my money covers it all.  He said that’s how families work.  I said that’s easy for him to say b/c he’s the one being taken care of.  I said I have taken care of him our whole 5 yrs together.  He said that he is trying to better himself for the future. I said what does that do for me? That benefits me in no way what-so-ever.  I said what do you contribute to this situation? Nothing.  I said you don’t even contribute here around the house because you say your too tired from work and school and so you don’t do anything around here.  I said let me ask you this… BOTTOM LINE – if I want to be with you and live with you… then I HAVE TO PAY to do so… (cover him and his bills) he didn’t want to answer… but after I kept asking for several minutes he said YES.  I said that’s what I figured, I’m glad you could finally admit it.  He said what’s the alternative.  I said what’s sad is that you never would consider taking on a 2nd job to make more money to pay your part. I said you’re perfectly fine with me taking a 2nd job and working 7 days a week when I don’t NEED to because my one job takes care of us both… but in order to live comfortably I take a 2nd job and you reap the rewards. I said lets use this as an example… if we were neighbors and you didn’t make enough money to pay your rent and utilities… do you expect your landlord just to cover it? He said no, he would have to move to another place that he could afford… I said there you go… you need to move somewhere you can afford, cause this free ride is OVER.  I said this is NOT a family and this is NOT a relationship. I said you are not a partner or an equal in this and you do not contribute and I have no more to give to you.  Then he had the nerve to ask me if I would help him move. 

I then asked him later if he got his son enrolled in school and he said no and I asked why and he said because you (meaning me) have to go to the school and sign some paperwork saying that his son lives here in the house.  I just started laughing. I said of course I do.  I HAVE TO DO THIS HUH?  I said you don’t even ask for things… you just tell me what I HAVE TO DO.  He didn’t even apologize, he just walked out of the room.