I know I have been away from this blog for sometime, since before Christmas actually. Things have been so rough as of late and I have been dedicating my blog time to a new, BRUTALLY HONEST blog that I created that is super private that I express things that I wouldn’t want most people I know reading, especially my mom (sorry mom). I have decided some of the stuff that has been going on would be okay to put here, so I wanted to update some of my loyal fans and readers here as well. I could use some good advice and I haven’t been led astray from any of my readers here as of yet, so I don’t know why I didn’t come to you guys sooner. SHAME ON ME !!!
MOM – You can stop reading NOW if you like !!!
I wanted to let you know about some things that have surfaced recently within my relationship. My bf and I have been together nearly 5 years off and on and over the last year and a half it’s been the best that it’s every been as far as him being on the “right” path. However some of the things he has done in the past may have scared me enough to be causing me doubts and fears currently.
My bf and I are from the opposite ends of the spectrum as far as how we were raised and what type of family dynamic we had growing up. My relationship with my boyfriend has always been a struggle to say the least due to some of the bad decisions he has made over his life time. I sometimes feel like we have a parent/child relationship. My boyfriend, grew up with a shitty family, his mother was an addict, didn’t care for her children and so he was raised by his grandparents for the most part and on his own at 15. He’s done drugs the majority of his life and along with that made stupid decisions along the way. So there are a lot of things he has to deal with these days due to some of those stupid decisions. Like probation, tickets, fees, and all that goes along with that. I many times am resentful due to him having a hard time finding a descent job, what jobs he can find are not well paying ones and I am usually stuck picking up the slack paying his fines, fees and such that must be paid monthly to keep him from going back to jail… Why do I stay??? I do love him deep down. He does have a good heart and for the most part he is a very loving man. He however does lack responsibilities and maturity at times. So it just causes me more stress. When he recently brought up the topic of marriage and then had me looking at rings to show him what I liked, it sorta freaked me out… I was sure I had made it clear in the past on a few occasions that I was not wanting to get married. Guess he figures I might have changed my mind. Well I know for sure that I will NOT marry him while he is still on probation. I don’t want to have to deal with all of that, which I already am dealing with now. But at any moment any screw up and he could easily go away for a long time. He has never been good at communicating and I usually just give up the fight after begging and begging for him to talk to me about things that are important and things that need to be discussed. Well this time I couldn’t just let things go. I have bee holding things in and it’s eating away at me from the inside out. I for months now have been begging him to have some discussions with me about what was going on, what his plans were with school and work, and his son and so much more and he just seems to sit there and never really discuss anything. Nothing ever seems to get resolved unless I just take it on and do it myself, or give up on the issue all together.
I had a long conversation with Chris, one that got very deep and emotional for the both of us. There is so much history between the two of us over our 5 years together and there has been a lot of things that have caused us both pain. I can’t say that I have been perfect, because I am nowhere near perfect in any sense of the word. So, Chris and I had this talk and I laid it all out. Some of my deep down feelings that I hadn’t even come to terms with myself. I was brutally honest and it was hard on both of us. I said some things I should have said a long time ago. He cried, which I didn’t want, but it was something that needed to be said. We talked about times that I had hurt him such as when we first met and I was at the time seeing another man and could not decide between the two of them and for nearly a year continued to see the both of them. He was talking about that as he got emotional and started to tear up and said that I could never know how much he loves and adores me. He said there is nothing I could ever do that would make him want to be without me. I so know that’s true. I told him that I felt our relationship was really tough on me. I told him that over our 5 years together that it’s always been about him. That it’s always been about his needs and his problems and his troubles and what he needed to take care of and what I needed to do to help him get clean and to help him find a job and to help him stay on the right path and to help him stay away from the wrong crowd and to make sure the responsibilities and bills were taken care of and to make sure everything ran smoothly and to basically parent him and to just give and give and give some more. I said when is it ever my turn to be spoiled a little, when is it my turn to give up some of the responsibility, when can I depend on someone, when can I let go of the reigns a little and relax, when can it not be so stressful on me, when can it be more about me? When do I not have to be so in control? It got really quiet and then I said well say something. He said everything you just said makes me feel like such a loser. I said that’s not my intentions, I’m just trying to voice my feelings to you. I have held in my feelings for so long just trying to protect you and it’s long over due that you need to know and I need to say it out loud to myself as well. I said I am doing you no favors by doing it all for you. I said that is one of your big problems is you don’t know how to take care of your responsibilities. I told him that I was hindering him. I told him I was so afraid that he would blow his money on stupid things or drugs or whatever and that is the reason I took so much control, but that wasn’t teaching him anything except to give up control to someone… so I then told him he needs to start taking his own check and paying his own bills and being responsible for remembering to do it himself. I told him I didn’t want to be involved in it anymore. I said I resent him already deep down that I have to be involved when his probation and fees stem partly from him breaking into my house and I feel as though I am being punished for being the victim. So I told him to take it over and do it himself and if he missed his meetings or missed his payments then he only had himself to blame. I also told him that I knew he wanted to get custody of his son. I told him that I did not want his son living in my home full time. I told him that I have enough trust issues with him for all that he has done over our 5 year history and I do not want to deal with all the drama and issues going on with his son right now. I told him I do not have the patience to deal with that. I told him I was raised different and that I had my ass beat or was popped in the mouth when I spoke to an adult the way his child does and his son is not disciplined at all and speaks to people like they are garbage. I told him that will not happen in my house. He cried. He said he felt like he was having to choose between us. I told him I would not respect him unless he chose his son. I said I would like to think he’s 15 and would be out on his own in 3 years but he is not mentally capable or mature enough to take of himself in the next 10 years so I know there is no way he will be on his own or even close to it in 3. I told him I would be miserable with him being in my home and I don’t want it at all. He was devastated. He knew I was serious. He asked what he was suppose to do with that information. I said you need to do what you need to do to get your son and then get a place for the 2 of you. I said you can live down the street if you want. He said and what? Are you going to come see me there. I said I would, but I need to be able to leave your child when he starts to act the way he does. I said he needs discipline. He said well then you discipline him, I said no, because I believe in getting your butt busted and you don’t. He said it’s a different world these days. I said out there it is, but not in my house. I told him I didn’t want to have to try to fix 15 years of a fucked up kid… hate to say it but his kid has a lot of issues. He’s on all kinds of medication and he flips out at school and is always getting in trouble and suspended and detention and it’s awful. He is a compulsive liar and it’s awful. He will tell you one story and before he is even done with the story he will change it to something completely different and then before he is done say that’s not what he just said. It’s so annoying. I can’t stand it. I have to leave the room because I don’t have the patience to even hear him speak sometimes. Anyway, it was a really deep conversation and I felt so much lifted off my shoulders by saying it out loud… I mean it really has relieved a lot of stress and pent up frustrations. I feel like I can sorta breathe…
Since our talk things have only gotten worse with his son… CPS ended up calling us late one evening to tell him that his son was taken away from his mother’s house along with her other 3 children and were in custody of the state due to one of the smaller children overdosing on medication. There had been 5 reports to CPS about his mother and her new husband. The husband had passed out while driving due to taking some sort of pills and wrecked the vehicle with all 4 children in the vehicle. They told Chris that he would need to be in court on Jan 2nd to take custody of his son. All of this was happening so fast. I thought we were going to have to pay to get an attorney and go to court, and if I wasn’t paying for it, then I knew we had a little for Chris to save the money up… well that’s not the case now. CPS had it in the works and it was already set for court. Well while the children were at the foster house, his son got into trouble because he was not on his medication and he was fighting and causing trouble, when going to visitation with his mother and one of the other children’s father showed up to see that child, Chris’s son who is 15 lashed out at his mother and told her he wanted to hurt her and then proceeded to chase this man around the CPS building threatening him. This man was the man that abused him when he was 3 yrs old. So the foster family said they did not want him to come back into their home. CPS had to call the psych hospital and have him admitted into the psych ward. Yeah this 15 yr old kid was now in the psych hospital and they were working up the papers for Chris to take custody of him and were bringing him to my home on Jan 3rd. Chris and I argued due to his lack of searching for an apt for the 2 of them, he just expects me to change my mind and let them stay here. I tried to explain my fears. I told him that I don’t want him to lash out at me like he does other adults. This 15 yr old child has lashed out at teachers and coaches at school. He got upset at one of his teachers for something ridiculous and he picked up a desk and threw it at her. So now my stress is only multiplied. This caused me to be so stressed that I did not want to celebrate my birthday on 12/21/2012. I am however glad the world didn’t end that day 🙂 I also was not feeling Christmas and didn’t want to do anything for that day either. My grandpa had been put in the hospital and was not sure when he was going to get out… it was just a cluster-f of a holiday season. I worked 14.5 hours on New Years Eve and was exhausted when I got off so I didn’t celebrate that either…
So I hope you can see where some of my stress, frustration, fear, confusion and panic is coming from… these are all causing me to become very distant from people, especially Chris. He is aware of the distance. He is also aware that I have begun to talk to a few other guys… for what reason, well that I’m not 100% sure of, so I cannot fully answer that question for him or for myself at this time. This is not even the end of the story…. there’s still so much more to come.