Relationship Details

I know I have been away from this blog for sometime, since before Christmas actually.  Things have been so rough as of late and I have been dedicating my blog time to a new, BRUTALLY HONEST blog that I created that is super private that I express things that I wouldn’t want most people I know reading, especially my mom (sorry mom).  I have decided some of the stuff that has been going on would be okay to put here, so I wanted to update some of my loyal fans and readers here as well.  I could use some good advice and I haven’t been led astray from any of my readers here as of yet, so I don’t know why I didn’t come to you guys sooner.  SHAME ON ME !!!

MOM – You can stop reading NOW if you like !!!

I wanted to let you know about some things that have surfaced recently within my relationship.  My bf and I have been together nearly 5 years off and on and over the last year and a half it’s been the best that it’s every been as far as him being on the “right” path.  However some of the things he has done in the past may have scared me enough to be causing me doubts and fears currently.

My bf and I are from the opposite ends of the spectrum as far as how we were raised and what type of family dynamic we had growing up. My relationship with my boyfriend has always been a struggle to say the least due to some of the bad decisions he has made over his life time.  I sometimes feel like we have a parent/child relationship.  My boyfriend, grew up with a shitty family, his mother was an addict, didn’t care for her children and so he was raised by his grandparents for the most part and on his own at 15. He’s done drugs the majority of his life and along with that made stupid decisions along the way.  So there are a lot of things he has to deal with these days due to some of those stupid decisions.  Like probation, tickets, fees, and all that goes along with that.  I many times am resentful due to him having a hard time finding a descent job, what jobs he can find are not well paying ones and I am usually stuck picking up the slack paying his fines, fees and such that must be paid monthly to keep him from going back to jail… Why do I stay??? I do love him deep down. He does have a good heart and for the most part he is a very loving man.  He however does lack responsibilities and maturity at times. So it just causes me more stress.  When he recently brought up the topic of marriage and then had me looking at rings to show him what I liked, it sorta freaked me out… I was sure I had made it clear in the past on a few occasions that I was not wanting to get married. Guess he figures I might have changed my mind.  Well I know for sure that I will NOT marry him while he is still on probation. I don’t want to have to deal with all of that, which I already am dealing with now.  But at any moment any screw up and he could easily go away for a long time. He has never been good at communicating and I usually just give up the fight after begging and begging for him to talk to me about things that are important and things that need to be discussed.  Well this time I couldn’t just let things go.  I have bee holding things in and it’s eating away at me from the inside out.  I for months now have been begging him to have some discussions with me about what was going on, what his plans were with school and work, and his son and so much more and he just seems to sit there and never really discuss anything.  Nothing ever seems to get resolved unless I just take it on and do it myself, or give up on the issue all together.

I had a long conversation with Chris, one that got very deep and emotional for the both of us.  There is so much history between the two of us over our 5 years together and there has been a lot of things that have caused us both pain.  I can’t say that I have been perfect, because I am nowhere near perfect in any sense of the word.  So, Chris and I had this talk and I laid it all out. Some of my deep down feelings that I hadn’t even come to terms with myself. I was brutally honest and it was hard on both of us.  I said some things I should have said a long time ago.  He cried, which I didn’t want, but it was something that needed to be said.  We talked about times that I had hurt him such as when we first met and I was at the time seeing another man and could not decide between the two of them and for nearly a year continued to see the both of them. He was talking about that as he got emotional and started to tear up and said that I could never know how much he loves and adores me. He said there is nothing I could ever do that would make him want to be without me. I so know that’s true.  I told him that I felt our relationship was really tough on me. I told him that over our 5 years together that it’s always been about him. That it’s always been about his needs and his problems and his troubles and what he needed to take care of and what I needed to do to help him get clean and to help him find a job and to help him stay on the right path and to help him stay away from the wrong crowd and to make sure the responsibilities and bills were taken care of and to make sure everything ran smoothly and to basically parent him and to just give and give and give some more.  I said when is it ever my turn to be spoiled a little, when is it my turn to give up some of the responsibility, when can I depend on someone, when can I let go of the reigns a little and relax, when can it not be so stressful on me, when can it be more about me? When do I not have to be so in control?  It got really quiet and then I said well say something.  He said everything you just said makes me feel like such a loser.  I said that’s not my intentions, I’m just trying to voice my feelings to you. I have held in my feelings for so long just trying to protect you and it’s long over due that you need to know and I need to say it out loud to myself as well.  I said I am doing you no favors by doing it all for you. I said that is one of your big problems is you don’t know how to take care of your responsibilities. I told him that I was hindering him. I told him I was so afraid that he would blow his money on stupid things or drugs or whatever and that is the reason I took so much control, but that wasn’t teaching him anything except to give up control to someone…  so I then told him he needs to start taking his own check and paying his own bills and being responsible for remembering to do it himself.   I told him I didn’t want to be involved in it anymore. I said I resent him already deep down that I have to be involved when his probation and fees stem partly from him breaking into my house and I feel as though I am being punished for being the victim.  So I told him to take it over and do it himself and if he missed his meetings or missed his payments then he only had himself to blame.  I also told him that I knew he wanted to get custody of his son. I told him that I did not want his son living in my home full time. I told him that I have enough trust issues with him for all that he has done over our 5 year history and I do not want to deal with all the drama and issues going on with his son right now.  I told him I do not have the patience to deal with that. I told him I was raised different and that I had my ass beat or was popped in the mouth when I spoke to an adult the way his child does and his son is not disciplined at all and speaks to people like they are garbage. I told him that will not happen in my house.  He cried.  He said he felt like he was having to choose between us. I told him I would not respect him unless he chose his son.  I said I would like to think he’s 15 and would be out on his own in 3 years but he is not mentally capable or mature enough to take of himself in the next 10 years so I know there is no way he will be on his own or even close to it in 3. I told him I would be miserable with him being in my home and I don’t want it at all. He was devastated.   He knew I was serious.  He asked what he was suppose to do with that information.  I said you need to do what you need to do to get your son and then get a place for the 2 of you. I said you can live down the street if you want.  He said and what? Are you going to come see me there. I said I would, but I need to be able to leave your child when he starts to act the way he does. I said he needs discipline. He said well then you discipline him, I said no, because I believe in getting your butt busted and you don’t. He said it’s a different world these days.  I said out there it is, but not in my house. I told him I didn’t want to have to try to fix 15 years of a fucked up kid… hate to say it but his kid has a lot of issues. He’s on all kinds of medication and he flips out at school and is always getting in trouble and suspended and detention and it’s awful. He is a compulsive liar and it’s awful. He will tell you one story and before he is even done with the story he will change it to something completely different and then before he is done say that’s not what he just said. It’s so annoying. I can’t stand it.  I have to leave the room because I don’t have the patience to even hear him speak sometimes. Anyway, it was a really deep conversation and I felt so much lifted off my shoulders by saying it out loud… I mean it really has relieved a lot of stress and pent up frustrations. I feel like I can sorta breathe…

Since our talk things have only gotten worse with his son… CPS ended up calling us late one evening to tell him that his son was taken away from his mother’s house along with her other 3 children and were in custody of the state due to one of the smaller children overdosing on medication.  There had been 5 reports to CPS about his mother and her new husband.  The husband had passed out while driving due to taking some sort of pills and wrecked the vehicle with all 4 children in the vehicle.  They told Chris that he would need to be in court on Jan 2nd to take custody of his son.  All of this was happening so fast.  I thought we were going to have to pay to get an attorney and go to court, and if I wasn’t paying for it, then I knew we had a little for Chris to save the money up… well that’s not the case now.  CPS had it in the works and it was already set for court.  Well while the children were at the foster house, his son got into trouble because he was not on his medication and he was fighting and causing trouble, when going to visitation with his mother and one of the other children’s father showed up to see that child, Chris’s son who is 15 lashed out at his mother and told her he wanted to hurt her and then proceeded to chase this man around the CPS building threatening him. This man was the man that abused him when he was 3 yrs old.  So the foster family said they did not want him to come back into their home.  CPS had to call the psych hospital and have him admitted into the psych ward.  Yeah this 15 yr old kid was now in the psych hospital and they were working up the papers for Chris to take custody of him and were bringing him to my home on Jan 3rd.  Chris and I argued due to his lack of searching for an apt for the 2 of them, he just expects me to change my mind and let them stay here.  I tried to explain my fears.  I told him that I don’t want him to lash out at me like he does other adults.  This 15 yr old child has lashed out at teachers and coaches at school. He got upset at one of his teachers for something ridiculous and he picked up a desk and threw it at her.  So now my stress is only multiplied.   This caused me to be so stressed that I did not want to celebrate my birthday on 12/21/2012.  I am however glad the world didn’t end that day 🙂   I also was not feeling Christmas and didn’t want to do anything for that day either.  My grandpa had been put in the hospital and was not sure when he was going to get out… it was just a cluster-f of a holiday season.  I worked 14.5 hours on New Years Eve and was exhausted when I got off so I didn’t celebrate that either…

So I hope you can see where some of my stress, frustration, fear, confusion and panic is coming from… these are all causing me to become very distant from people, especially Chris.  He is aware of the distance.  He is also aware that I have begun to talk to a few other guys… for what reason,  well that I’m not 100% sure of, so I cannot fully answer that question for him or for myself at this time.   This is not even the end of the story…. there’s still so much more to come.

~McQty~

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The one I let go…

Yep, he’s not the one that GOT AWAY, he’s the one I let go.  I walked away from one of the best boyfriends I have ever had.  When I moved to the DFW area in Jan of 2000 I knew, NO ONE.  I think I had only been to this area only 2 times before and that was passing through.  I had to learn my way around, find a place to live, make new friends and FAST !  I met HT that first fall that I was here and he sorta swept me off my feet.   He was so smart and driven and just an all around great guy.  He had money to spend, but was frugal.  He was a suit and tie kinda guy but always looked like a college student.  I used to give him a hard time about him being a “professional student” because he had so much education and was still going to school.  When I met him he had 2 Masters and 2 Bachelors and was still going to school.  Since then he has gotten his Doctrine.   He’s not one you want to play trivia games with for sure.  We had similar interests and got along well.  I was so green back then, I had just moved from a small town that I had grown up in for most of my life that didn’t even have a Wal-Mart, so moving to the “big city” was like Alice walking through the looking glass (and just as crazy).  HT was a very giving person, well traveled and experienced in all areas of life.  He opened my eyes to so many things.  He spoiled me rotten, literally.  I think I would definitely consider myself spoiled at times and now I am accustomed to getting what I want and having things my way that it makes it difficult for other people in my life at times.  I can be such a brat !  Anyway, I experienced a lot of first with HT.  He took me on my first trip to Vegas (of course he paid for everything).  My first “real” trip/vacation was when he took me to LA/Vegas/San Diego. Our vacation was lasted about 9 days I think.  He spoiled me on this trip, in LA he took me to Universal Studios, Mann’s Chinese Theatre, Wax Museum, Rodeo Drive.  We drove to Vegas after 2 days in LA and stayed at the Luxor, he took me to some amazing shows.  He took me to see Penn & Teller with backstage passes to meet the two after the show.  Then after 4 days in Vegas we went to San Diego to a private resort area where clothing was optional.  For the record, I was so against going there and was literally terrified.  The closer we got it started raining and so no naked folks were out running around, thank goodness.  I think my mom got a kick out of when I called her from inside our cabin telling her I was hiding out inside while HT was walking around with just his flip flops on… OMG (I laugh so hard thinking about it now) It was really amazing at night though to go down to the pool when no one was there and swim naked. I loved that.  I didn’t like the view at the tennis courts the next day watching the old women and men playing tennis minus their clothes. I swear I was the youngest person there.  We left and went to the San Diego Zoo which was amazing. I loved all the animals and such.  This was an amazing vacation.  He took me to have my first bite of sushi and I fell in love with it.  He taught me to try so many new things that I never would have otherwise and just really opened my eyes to all sorts of things.  Unfortunately after a year and half and living with him, I knew he was not the “forever” one. I just didn’t feel that fire in my belly or lower regions that I thought I should for a man I want to spend forever with.  Hate to say it, but this is my place to be honest as I want to be and one of my biggest turn offs was that he was uncircumcised and it sorta grossed me out.  It was like playing hide and seek with a turtle.  Here I am, now I’m gone, here I am again.  It was more funny to me than it was a turn on and I just had a hard time kissing that turtle. (SORRY MOM, just being honest)  I loved HT, very much and he was so good to me, but I couldn’t be his forever either.  We split and I moved out and got my own apt. I had nothing at that time as far as furniture and he actually furnished my apt.  He bought my living room furniture (sofa, love seat, coffee table, end tables, lamps) . He bought my bed (beautiful solid wood sleigh bed with pillow top mattress) . He bought me a full computer set up, desk and chair because I was wanting to go back to school and said I would need it.  Even after we broke up we stayed very close.  I went right back to dating which he told me a week later that it crushed him that I moved on so fast.  Well I had known the way I felt for awhile, so I was over the hurt sooner than he was.  He didn’t date anyone for some time. We still went out all the time to the movies, dinner and such so it was like we were still dating just not calling it that and not sleeping together.  Even after splitting up we still went on vacations together. He took me to Vegas 2 more times.  One trip to vegas we took was for 7 days because he was playing in a hockey tournament… 7 days is tooo long to be in Vegas.  I was exhausted and ready to come home for sure.  He was always so good about flowers for v-day, my birthday and always my favs.  He still used to do that even when he started dating another girl.  She didn’t like the idea of how much time we spent together and how he still bought me gifts while he was dating her.  Let me tell you about one of the most romantic things he EVER did, and this was after we had already split up and were NO longer a couple.  I’m pretty sure I was dating someone else at this time because he had comment on the flowers I had rec’d that were sitting on the counter when he came over to give me my present.  We sat down on the couch and he had a small gift bag and he gave me a card out of it and said that’s all he had for me but would get me something later. I was like, WHAT?? and then he pulled a little box out. I opened it and it was small diamond earrings from Kay Jewelers.  They were great but I looked around him as if he had more stuff. He says, gosh you barely looked at those. I felt bad and was all, no they are GREAT, I love em. I was just seeing what you were hiding, he said nothing and gave me the little bag and it had a little envelope in it the size of a business card.  It had my name on the outside and when I opened it, I pulled out a business card which was from Tiffany’s and he said flip it over and I did and it said there is something waiting for you at Tiffany’s.  I freaked the hell out. I was like OMG, lets go lets go.  The Tiffany’s store is sorta far away so we drove all the way down to the galleria to go there.  I felt so under dressed going in. He told me to go up to the counter and give them the card.  So I did and they brought me this beautiful necklace that had a heart pendant on it.  It was awesome, but he said if I didn’t like it and wanted something else I could look around.  I loved it, but wanted to still look.  I found another necklace that I liked more and so he switched them and paid the difference in price for the one I ended up getting.  It was pretty awesome.  He was always surprising me like that.  One time he came over to my apt and when I left the room he put a Tiffany’s box on my fireplace mantle between some candles and waited for me to find it.  I loved his creativity !! He was always doing stuff like this for me.  Even when I was dating my ex husband, HT had asked me what I wanted for my bday/christmas.  I would always answer whatever but you can’t go wrong with jewelry.  That year I got a ring from Tiffany’s.  It was an eternal band, nothing fancy, but it was beautiful and I think a symbol that we would always be connected in one way or another.

Well time has gone by and he finally got over the crushed feeling I left him with and after dating a woman for the last 10 years and her harping to get married, she finally got her way.  The reason I say that, is I know his wife, through him. She used to hate me b/c she hated how much time and all the things he did with me. I showed her I was no harm that if I wanted him she would have never met him.  I think she got jealous at some of the things he did for me but he’s done so much for her too.  Anyway he used to have long conversations about her and their relationship and how he wasn’t sure she was a forever for him.  Well he got to the point where I don’t think he wants to be alone and that was a way to make sure he’s not.  Anyway, they got married in March after a brief engagement.  He’s been working over in Italy and Paris for the last several years as a professor and now he has taken a job in Quebec so he is moving there today.  He called me up and said he wanted to see me and take me to dinner before leaving today, so we met and had dinner, yummy sushi, last night and visited until they kicked us outta the restaurant.  It was good catching up.  He’s already wanting to know when I’m coming up to visit.  I was like… April, when the snow melts. HAHA

Anyway, I am so thankful to have met HT and to have had him in my life the past 12+ years.  I wish him the best in Quebec, but he told me he wasn’t selling his house here, the house we lived in together.  And that they would be back in 4 years.  He has everything so well planned out, I wish I was that organized.

Some people are meant to cross your path and others are meant to walk along that path with you.  I am thankful that HT walked down my path.

~McQty~