The Bottom Line

I want to apologize ahead of time for this post, it will probably be all over the place so try and bare with me as I update you guys on the latest happenings. (This post is from Wed 01/09/13)

I just really want to curl up in a ball and just cry.  I’m so just over everything today.  Shit with Chris last night was just to much to take.  I feel like I have wasted 5 yrs of my life being stupid. I feel so stupid.  Then I have to deal with Ken today and his bs and that had me all emotional… I’m just so over them both.  I just don’t understand. Chris and I had a go at it last night and it all boiled down to basically that he doesn’t have a job that he makes a lot of money and that his money goes to his bills and then he doesn’t have enough to help me with the rest of the reg bills, I pay all of that.  He said it could be worse if he didn’t have a job and I could be paying all of his bills.  I was like WHAT?

He said I look at it as his money and my money, he said he looks at it as he takes my check and his check and puts them together as OUR money. I said of course you do cause you don’t make any money and my money covers it all.  He said that’s how families work.  I said that’s easy for him to say b/c he’s the one being taken care of.  I said I have taken care of him our whole 5 yrs together.  He said that he is trying to better himself for the future. I said what does that do for me? That benefits me in no way what-so-ever.  I said what do you contribute to this situation? Nothing.  I said you don’t even contribute here around the house because you say your too tired from work and school and so you don’t do anything around here.  I said let me ask you this… BOTTOM LINE – if I want to be with you and live with you… then I HAVE TO PAY to do so… (cover him and his bills) he didn’t want to answer… but after I kept asking for several minutes he said YES.  I said that’s what I figured, I’m glad you could finally admit it.  He said what’s the alternative.  I said what’s sad is that you never would consider taking on a 2nd job to make more money to pay your part. I said you’re perfectly fine with me taking a 2nd job and working 7 days a week when I don’t NEED to because my one job takes care of us both… but in order to live comfortably I take a 2nd job and you reap the rewards. I said lets use this as an example… if we were neighbors and you didn’t make enough money to pay your rent and utilities… do you expect your landlord just to cover it? He said no, he would have to move to another place that he could afford… I said there you go… you need to move somewhere you can afford, cause this free ride is OVER.  I said this is NOT a family and this is NOT a relationship. I said you are not a partner or an equal in this and you do not contribute and I have no more to give to you.  Then he had the nerve to ask me if I would help him move. 

I then asked him later if he got his son enrolled in school and he said no and I asked why and he said because you (meaning me) have to go to the school and sign some paperwork saying that his son lives here in the house.  I just started laughing. I said of course I do.  I HAVE TO DO THIS HUH?  I said you don’t even ask for things… you just tell me what I HAVE TO DO.  He didn’t even apologize, he just walked out of the room. 

GOING TO CURL UP NOW !!

~MCQTY~

Relationship Details

I know I have been away from this blog for sometime, since before Christmas actually.  Things have been so rough as of late and I have been dedicating my blog time to a new, BRUTALLY HONEST blog that I created that is super private that I express things that I wouldn’t want most people I know reading, especially my mom (sorry mom).  I have decided some of the stuff that has been going on would be okay to put here, so I wanted to update some of my loyal fans and readers here as well.  I could use some good advice and I haven’t been led astray from any of my readers here as of yet, so I don’t know why I didn’t come to you guys sooner.  SHAME ON ME !!!

MOM – You can stop reading NOW if you like !!!

I wanted to let you know about some things that have surfaced recently within my relationship.  My bf and I have been together nearly 5 years off and on and over the last year and a half it’s been the best that it’s every been as far as him being on the “right” path.  However some of the things he has done in the past may have scared me enough to be causing me doubts and fears currently.

My bf and I are from the opposite ends of the spectrum as far as how we were raised and what type of family dynamic we had growing up. My relationship with my boyfriend has always been a struggle to say the least due to some of the bad decisions he has made over his life time.  I sometimes feel like we have a parent/child relationship.  My boyfriend, grew up with a shitty family, his mother was an addict, didn’t care for her children and so he was raised by his grandparents for the most part and on his own at 15. He’s done drugs the majority of his life and along with that made stupid decisions along the way.  So there are a lot of things he has to deal with these days due to some of those stupid decisions.  Like probation, tickets, fees, and all that goes along with that.  I many times am resentful due to him having a hard time finding a descent job, what jobs he can find are not well paying ones and I am usually stuck picking up the slack paying his fines, fees and such that must be paid monthly to keep him from going back to jail… Why do I stay??? I do love him deep down. He does have a good heart and for the most part he is a very loving man.  He however does lack responsibilities and maturity at times. So it just causes me more stress.  When he recently brought up the topic of marriage and then had me looking at rings to show him what I liked, it sorta freaked me out… I was sure I had made it clear in the past on a few occasions that I was not wanting to get married. Guess he figures I might have changed my mind.  Well I know for sure that I will NOT marry him while he is still on probation. I don’t want to have to deal with all of that, which I already am dealing with now.  But at any moment any screw up and he could easily go away for a long time. He has never been good at communicating and I usually just give up the fight after begging and begging for him to talk to me about things that are important and things that need to be discussed.  Well this time I couldn’t just let things go.  I have bee holding things in and it’s eating away at me from the inside out.  I for months now have been begging him to have some discussions with me about what was going on, what his plans were with school and work, and his son and so much more and he just seems to sit there and never really discuss anything.  Nothing ever seems to get resolved unless I just take it on and do it myself, or give up on the issue all together.

I had a long conversation with Chris, one that got very deep and emotional for the both of us.  There is so much history between the two of us over our 5 years together and there has been a lot of things that have caused us both pain.  I can’t say that I have been perfect, because I am nowhere near perfect in any sense of the word.  So, Chris and I had this talk and I laid it all out. Some of my deep down feelings that I hadn’t even come to terms with myself. I was brutally honest and it was hard on both of us.  I said some things I should have said a long time ago.  He cried, which I didn’t want, but it was something that needed to be said.  We talked about times that I had hurt him such as when we first met and I was at the time seeing another man and could not decide between the two of them and for nearly a year continued to see the both of them. He was talking about that as he got emotional and started to tear up and said that I could never know how much he loves and adores me. He said there is nothing I could ever do that would make him want to be without me. I so know that’s true.  I told him that I felt our relationship was really tough on me. I told him that over our 5 years together that it’s always been about him. That it’s always been about his needs and his problems and his troubles and what he needed to take care of and what I needed to do to help him get clean and to help him find a job and to help him stay on the right path and to help him stay away from the wrong crowd and to make sure the responsibilities and bills were taken care of and to make sure everything ran smoothly and to basically parent him and to just give and give and give some more.  I said when is it ever my turn to be spoiled a little, when is it my turn to give up some of the responsibility, when can I depend on someone, when can I let go of the reigns a little and relax, when can it not be so stressful on me, when can it be more about me? When do I not have to be so in control?  It got really quiet and then I said well say something.  He said everything you just said makes me feel like such a loser.  I said that’s not my intentions, I’m just trying to voice my feelings to you. I have held in my feelings for so long just trying to protect you and it’s long over due that you need to know and I need to say it out loud to myself as well.  I said I am doing you no favors by doing it all for you. I said that is one of your big problems is you don’t know how to take care of your responsibilities. I told him that I was hindering him. I told him I was so afraid that he would blow his money on stupid things or drugs or whatever and that is the reason I took so much control, but that wasn’t teaching him anything except to give up control to someone…  so I then told him he needs to start taking his own check and paying his own bills and being responsible for remembering to do it himself.   I told him I didn’t want to be involved in it anymore. I said I resent him already deep down that I have to be involved when his probation and fees stem partly from him breaking into my house and I feel as though I am being punished for being the victim.  So I told him to take it over and do it himself and if he missed his meetings or missed his payments then he only had himself to blame.  I also told him that I knew he wanted to get custody of his son. I told him that I did not want his son living in my home full time. I told him that I have enough trust issues with him for all that he has done over our 5 year history and I do not want to deal with all the drama and issues going on with his son right now.  I told him I do not have the patience to deal with that. I told him I was raised different and that I had my ass beat or was popped in the mouth when I spoke to an adult the way his child does and his son is not disciplined at all and speaks to people like they are garbage. I told him that will not happen in my house.  He cried.  He said he felt like he was having to choose between us. I told him I would not respect him unless he chose his son.  I said I would like to think he’s 15 and would be out on his own in 3 years but he is not mentally capable or mature enough to take of himself in the next 10 years so I know there is no way he will be on his own or even close to it in 3. I told him I would be miserable with him being in my home and I don’t want it at all. He was devastated.   He knew I was serious.  He asked what he was suppose to do with that information.  I said you need to do what you need to do to get your son and then get a place for the 2 of you. I said you can live down the street if you want.  He said and what? Are you going to come see me there. I said I would, but I need to be able to leave your child when he starts to act the way he does. I said he needs discipline. He said well then you discipline him, I said no, because I believe in getting your butt busted and you don’t. He said it’s a different world these days.  I said out there it is, but not in my house. I told him I didn’t want to have to try to fix 15 years of a fucked up kid… hate to say it but his kid has a lot of issues. He’s on all kinds of medication and he flips out at school and is always getting in trouble and suspended and detention and it’s awful. He is a compulsive liar and it’s awful. He will tell you one story and before he is even done with the story he will change it to something completely different and then before he is done say that’s not what he just said. It’s so annoying. I can’t stand it.  I have to leave the room because I don’t have the patience to even hear him speak sometimes. Anyway, it was a really deep conversation and I felt so much lifted off my shoulders by saying it out loud… I mean it really has relieved a lot of stress and pent up frustrations. I feel like I can sorta breathe…

Since our talk things have only gotten worse with his son… CPS ended up calling us late one evening to tell him that his son was taken away from his mother’s house along with her other 3 children and were in custody of the state due to one of the smaller children overdosing on medication.  There had been 5 reports to CPS about his mother and her new husband.  The husband had passed out while driving due to taking some sort of pills and wrecked the vehicle with all 4 children in the vehicle.  They told Chris that he would need to be in court on Jan 2nd to take custody of his son.  All of this was happening so fast.  I thought we were going to have to pay to get an attorney and go to court, and if I wasn’t paying for it, then I knew we had a little for Chris to save the money up… well that’s not the case now.  CPS had it in the works and it was already set for court.  Well while the children were at the foster house, his son got into trouble because he was not on his medication and he was fighting and causing trouble, when going to visitation with his mother and one of the other children’s father showed up to see that child, Chris’s son who is 15 lashed out at his mother and told her he wanted to hurt her and then proceeded to chase this man around the CPS building threatening him. This man was the man that abused him when he was 3 yrs old.  So the foster family said they did not want him to come back into their home.  CPS had to call the psych hospital and have him admitted into the psych ward.  Yeah this 15 yr old kid was now in the psych hospital and they were working up the papers for Chris to take custody of him and were bringing him to my home on Jan 3rd.  Chris and I argued due to his lack of searching for an apt for the 2 of them, he just expects me to change my mind and let them stay here.  I tried to explain my fears.  I told him that I don’t want him to lash out at me like he does other adults.  This 15 yr old child has lashed out at teachers and coaches at school. He got upset at one of his teachers for something ridiculous and he picked up a desk and threw it at her.  So now my stress is only multiplied.   This caused me to be so stressed that I did not want to celebrate my birthday on 12/21/2012.  I am however glad the world didn’t end that day 🙂   I also was not feeling Christmas and didn’t want to do anything for that day either.  My grandpa had been put in the hospital and was not sure when he was going to get out… it was just a cluster-f of a holiday season.  I worked 14.5 hours on New Years Eve and was exhausted when I got off so I didn’t celebrate that either…

So I hope you can see where some of my stress, frustration, fear, confusion and panic is coming from… these are all causing me to become very distant from people, especially Chris.  He is aware of the distance.  He is also aware that I have begun to talk to a few other guys… for what reason,  well that I’m not 100% sure of, so I cannot fully answer that question for him or for myself at this time.   This is not even the end of the story…. there’s still so much more to come.

~McQty~

Old Flame

In other recent news as of late – (MOM – you might not want to read this either)

I had previously mentioned James, the guy I dated many years ago.   He  looked me up after 8 years to profess his love for me and the mistake he made by letting me go so many years ago and how he would like to correct that mistake if he ever got the chance to do so. We have played catch up as to what’s going on in each of our lives. First I was flattered and shocked by the comments.  He wasn’t one to express his feelings in the past.  Might have been one of the reasons I left him.  I then inquired as to why?  He said he didn’t realize what he had until I walked out.  I was like wow, that’s very sweet of you to say.  So he’s been blowing up my phone and calling and telling me how much he loves me.  He said he loved me back then but didn’t know how to say it or show it properly.  He tells me all the time how he would go back and change things if he could, how his life would be so different if he would have chased me down.  He said he had looked for me over the years and never found me.  My stuff is invisible on FB, so you can’t find me very easily.  He tells me how much he misses me and misses the times we had and blah blah… it’s crazy.  WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??? All of this definitely brings back feelings I had for him once upon a time and it makes me wonder what if?

He travels a lot for his job, so that helps right now him not being close enough to do me danger (meaning get me in trouble-tempt me) right now.  He has been messaging and calling me quite a bit and at one point was upset about a comment made on FB about Chris bringing marriage up.  I never said anywhere on FB that I had said yes. I said that it was out of the blue and I thought Chris was just fishing for information.  So James was upset and was asking if I was planning on marrying Chris.   I did have to bring him back to reality in our text message following that, here’s how it went:

JAMES: Greetings from frozen Canada
ME:  Hi
JAMES: Are you naked?? I wanna see…
ME: I’m still at work
JAMES: So that’s a no huh..
ME: LOL
JAMES: What time do you get off tonight? 
ME: I’m leaving in a few minutes
JAMES: So naked by 530…. COOL
ME: It’s nearly 6 now. 
JAMES: Sorry on mountain time here.
ME: It’s okay
JAMES: So you will be naked for me by 6:30, 7 somewhere in there?
ME: No, I’m not getting naked till bed time. 
JAMES: That’s a yes. Your bedtime needs to be 7 tonight. 
ME: LOL I don’t think so. 
JAMES: You’re getting the theme here right? I WANNA SEE YOU NAKED !!!
ME: I somehow figured that one out. 
JAMES: I wanna see you now !
ME: Well then you better come home. 
JAMES: I can’t wait till then. 
ME:  NO, Maybe when you come home.  You have waited 8 years I think you can wait a few more weeks. 
JAMES: What do you mean NO ? 
ME: NO, NOPE, Opposite of Yes… LOL
JAMES:  I definitely don’t like the word No now.  8 years was 8 years to long. 
ME:  I think you will be fine waiting a little longer. 
JAMES: You’re a comedian.
ME:  You ran off and got married. 
JAMES: Yes, and I made a mistake. 
ME: It’s okay.  But now if you want me, You have to come and get me. 
JAMES: I leave Canada tomorrow…what do I get when I come back home, you under me or on top… YOUR choice. 
ME: LOL !! You’re pretty sure of yourself huh???
JAMES: You’re not??
ME: Have you really through this out?  Are you really planning on leaving her?
JAMES:  What are you expecting?
ME: I don’t expect anything because you’re the one that’s married now.  There is nothing I can do about that fact. 
JAMES:  Not at all – YOU have a big say in this. 
ME:  I mean really have you really thought about this?  Are you gonna give up your new house, your land?  I’m not moving there. So are you planning on moving back here? You’re the one that would have to make a lot of changes and I don’t know that you have really thought this through. 
JAMES: You know I have been looking for you for years. I told you that. My marriage has been over for years as well. I don’t care about the house and land, she can have it, if it means I need to move back to be with you I will do that.  I just want you to gimme another chance, I won’t make the same mistake again. I won’t let you go this time. 
ME: I don’t want to be the reason you finally divorce and I can’t promise that there will be a future with us. A long time has gone by and people change. 
JAMES: I just want you to see me, gimme that. I need to see you. I need to hold you again. I have missed you more than you know. 
ME:  I’m just not used to you being so vocal with your feelings.  It’s a little scary to me. 
JAMES: Well that doesn’t really answer my question, but I want to see you, I really do. 
ME: I’m blown away by you telling me how you feel. I would like to see you again. 
JAMES: Do you plan on marrying him?  
ME:  I do not plan on marring him or anyone else anytime soon.  I especially will not marry him while he is still on probation. 
JAMES: Well I hope you don’t.  I hope you wait and give me a chance to show you I have changed and show you how much I love you. 
ME: Well lets just take things one day at a time and see what happens.

THERE YOU GO – Do you see the nonsense I am dealing with as of late??? The kicker here and the reason I haven’t just told James to go take a flying leap…  I really did care about him back then, however I never came out and told him so.  He had a hard exterior and was not going to be open up and let a woman get in close enough to hurt him, so he kept me at arms distance and never expressed his feelings so I in turn didn’t either.

I don’t know what has changed this man, but there is definitely a change.  Maybe its age that has matured him, time, I have no clue, maybe it is just what he says and losing me was a mistake and he’s gonna do whatever it takes to get show me that and make sure not to let it happen again… I have no idea.  Here are how our latest texts have been going…

JAMES: Hello beautiful are you off work yet?
ME: I just left the office.
JAMES: How was your day?
ME: It was good, but much better now that it’s over.
JAMES: You have been on my mind all day.
ME: That’s sweet, thank you.
JAMES: What’s your favorite flower?
ME: Tulips
JAMES: Compared to the sweet smell of your skin all flowers are skunks.
JAMES:  ❤ I’ll always remember the day I first spoke to you, hearing your voice was like listening to angels in heaven ❤
ME: OMG
ME: Where did that come from???
JAMES: I just love you and wanted you to know.
JAMES: ❤ Darling, I thought of you and it made me smile ❤
ME: Are you drunk?
ME: You have never talked like that before, it’s so new to hear you talk like that to me.  It’s so very sweet though.
JAMES: I love you and I want you to know it.
ME: It’s always nice to have someone in your life who can make you smile even when they are not around. (This was a quote/picture I found and sent to him)
JAMES: I like that ❤
ME: <3<3<3
JAMES: You make me feel like every day is Christmas. I want to come for a kiss under the mistletoe ❤
ME: Awww
JAMES: Wish you were laying next to me now.
ME: Awww.  Are you tired?
JAMES: Can you call?

After our phone call – 

JAMES: I adore you ❤
JAMES: It was great to talk to you my love. Just hearing your voice makes me happy.  It also makes me realize how much I miss you. I want to hold you and make love to you so bad it hurts. ❤ ❤
ME: You blow me away with the things you say these days. 
JAMES: I LOVE YOU. Nite Sexy.
ME: Night honey.

Next morning – 

JAMES: Good morning my sweet, sexy love. Hope all is well. 
ME: Morning, how are you?
JAMES: Good, woke up thinking about you.
ME: What time are you going to be in town today, do you know yet?
JAMES: Probably around 7.
ME: How long are you going to be in town before you have to leave to be back in Canada?
JAMES: I got all the time I need if it means I get to see you ❤
ME: Aww, thank you.
JAMES: Do you work tomorrow?
ME: Nope
JAMES: <3<3<3
JAMES: I’m on the way to see you, 20 mins to town.  I Love You and can’t wait to finally hold you.
JAMES: I wish I could hear your voice right now because I miss you so much.
JAMES: I made it, so call me when your ready.  I can’t wait to get you in my arms, I might never let you go again.  I can’t wait to tell you I love you in person, I have been waiting 8 years to do just that. 

So I suppose you can guess that I went to meet up with James, and you would be correct.  I’m going to leave the story there for now.  It  was really strange seeing him after so long, but it was nice to see him.

This is just one of the causes for confusion and stress currently stirring up my life right now… but by far not the only thing.

I am a little lost as to what I am doing or what the future holds for me. Stay tuned to see what happens.
~McQty~