It has hit the fan !!

Is it dirt, dust, poo – that’s it !! The shit has hit the fan !!  Last night was a rough night in my house.  It has been brewing and this volcano is about to explode.  It started months ago, but it’s all starting to get much more intense.  I previously mentioned my concerns with Chris’s son moving into my house and how afraid I was of that.  I tried talking to Chris about this over and over many times during the last couple of months because I wanted him to find a place for the 2 of them before he got custody so that there was no need for his son to come into my house and then move again later into another place with Chris.  I didn’t want it to look like I didn’t want him here to his son.  I was trying to make it easier on his son.  Well, Chris totally disregarded my feelings and went ahead and moved his son in without even discussing it with me.  I was at work when CPS picked his son up from the psychiatric hospital he had been taken to for trying to assault his mother and another adult male while at the CPS office during a visitation with him.  The foster family he had been staying with did not want him back and so they call the psych hospital to come and restrain him and take him to the institution.  Would anyone else besides me, be alarmed at this???  Just so you are all aware, when this child was 11 and lived with me for 6 months he went to school one day and was angry at me for taking his video games away for something he did wrong and he drew a picture of me with a knife in my head.  The teacher called me at work to have me get a hold of Chris so he could come up to the school, that’s when she told me what he had done.  The kid is now 15 and I don’t think he draws pictures anymore… but could be more capable of doing the action vs. drawing it.  These are just some of the reasons for my fears.  I don’t want to live in fear in my own home.  As of late since he moved in, I have pretty much stayed to myself in my room when I have been at home.  It shouldn’t have to be that way either.  Chris refuses to communicate with me about anything.  The only time he really talks to me about anything that is going on is when he needs something or wants something from me, like money, a vehicle, me to do something for me, etc.  Yesterday he was trying to enroll his son in school.  He texts me at work telling me the school needs a utility bill in his name or he needs to have himself and his son added to the lease on my house.  I told him that wasn’t going to happen.  I told him that I wasn’t going to change my life around and rearrange my bills and my lease.  I had also given him $100 bill on sunday for gas and ask that he bring me the change back, which he did not.  I got upset last night and told him that he didn’t need to be driving my vehicles anymore because I couldn’t afford the gas that he was running out.  He’s not helping me with any bills and I can’t afford it all.  He got upset and threw money in my face and said, “Here’s your fucking money”.  It fell to the floor at my feet and I just kicked it toward him and said forget it.  I tried to go into my room and shut the door behind me and that’s when he pushed it open hitting my hand with the door.  He then stood in the doorway where I could not shut the door.  I asked him several times to go away and to just leave me alone.  I told him he was going to take it to a point of no return and he was going to act stupid and do something he couldn’t take back so he needed to stop and just go to his room.  He just stood there.  He then told me he wanted the diamond necklace he bought me for Christmas back.  I couldn’t believe it, but I said that’s fine, it’s in the bathroom on the top of the vanity.  He said he was going to return it and get the money back on it.  I said do what you have to do.  I said while you’re at it go ahead and steal whatever else it is you’re gonna steal, you’re good at that right?? (He broke into my house and stole quite a bit last time I broke up with him)  I told him if we went there and took back everything we got for each other, he would be walking out of the house with the clothes he had on from jail.  He has nothing without me.  He wouldn’t leave my room, so I ended up undressing in front of him and then crawling into bed… guess he can look at what he can’t have anymore.  He stood in the doorway for about 20 mins, not saying anything before he finally closed the door and went to his room.  Then he started with the texts…. Here’s how it went:

CHRIS: I have to be at the probation office at 7am and then work after that. I may have to go sign papers on my lunch break to get (my son) enrolled in school. Will you be able to take me to that also? 
ME: No
CHRIS: So what do I need to do. Wed I have a 1 o’clock appointment I will have to go to. How do I get there? 
ME: When did that become my responsibility?
ME: But then I don’t do anything for you, right?
CHRIS: When you said I could not take the car to go anywhere. 
ME: Well I take care of you and feed you and clothe you and keep you outta jail. So maybe you should see what it’s really like w/o me and my ass. 
ME: It’s my car. When did you get a free ride? 
ME: You EXPECT other people to do for you
ME: AND you don’t appreciate anything
ME: I’m done being unappreciated

ME: You don’t love me. You love what I give you and the security and stability I provide for you. 
CHRIS: Who said it has been a free ride? Oh yeah that’s right I do not give you anything or any money or any time. 
ME: The little money that you do make goes toward your shit, like your probation, your tickets, your fines, your school. 
ME: You don’t make enough to cover half the rest of the bills. 
CHRIS: That is your opinion and every time you get mad that is what you say. Some guy is probably telling you this shit. So he can get me out of here. 
ME: This is all your fault for not communicating with me and not caring about my feelings. 
CHRIS: It is always my fault. Never a mutual thing with you. Oh no you could not be wrong on any account.  Since you decided that going to see another man was more important than me and to keep talking to another man was more important than my feelings I do not want to be in the same room with you. You really hurt my feelings but you don’t give a fuck it is what you want to do. 
ME: OK, did you think maybe you pushed me to it? It doesn’t matter now. 
ME: You need to get a place for you and your kid. 
CHRIS: Yea it is always my fault. 
ME: I don’t want this extra drama and stress and you don’t seem to care. 
CHRIS: Yeah I really act like I don’t care. 
ME: You don’t care, I told you 2 months ago I didn’t want him here and you brought him here and moved him in any way.  You never once tried to even discuss it with me, even though I tried talking to you about it over and over for months prior. 
CHRIS: You told me you did not want him here and you were mad a week ago cause I had not talked to you about him coming here. 
ME: YEAH
CHRIS: What is there to talk about if you tell me you do not want him here? 
ME: I said NO and you decided to go ahead anyway against my wishes. 
CHRIS: I will get out of your hair soon since my life has become too much for you. 
ME: Fine
ME: Ur disregard for me is too much, your disrespect for me is too much. 
CHRIS: Will I at least be able to use a vehicle to get back and forth to work and school? 
ME: When? 
ME: It’s funny to me that you can’t have a conversation with me until I do something drastic and then you text me – that’s pitiful. 
CHRIS: Everyday. I have to work and go to school everyday. 
ME: No, I’m not your keeper or your mother, or your guardian. 
CHRIS: No what? 
ME: No to a free ride. 
CHRIS: I don’t know why you think it’s a free ride. 
ME: stop texting me. this is ridiculous. 

Then he came and opened my door and asked if I really wanted him to move out and I said yes and he said ok, fine.

I have a few questions and would really like some HONEST feedback.  I really want to know if I am wrong in my thinking.  Since we have been together (off and on) Chris in the beginning never really worked, turns out he was getting fired for not going to work due to his drug binges – (I wasn’t aware he was not at work).   He has never brought in money and if he did, it wasn’t much at all.  I have ALWAYS worked and always paid the bills.  I have always paid for all the food and extra things we do.  If we go out to eat, I pay.  If we go to a movie, I pay. If we need gas, groceries or anything extra, I pay.  I even pay for his cigarettes and anything else he needs.   So yes, I do get irritated and stressed over money.  I have always felt like I was taking care of him.  It would be one thing if he did more around the house or helped me out in other ways, but he didn’t and doesn’t really do that to this day.  So it would upset me even more.  Sooo now that he is working, he is making steady income, but now he has more bills like his probation, his court fees and fines that he has to pay every month. His school payment, his medical costs (he has no insurance so it’s not cheap),  cost for books, his cigarettes, costs for gas to drive 3 hours to and from school (round trip) up keep on 2 vehicles, his energy drinks, his lunch when he doesn’t want to take a lunch like I do because he’s to lazy to fix it.   So the money he makes barely covers some of those things.  It’s not enough to pay half of the other bills like rent, water, sewer, electric, cable, internet, insurance, medical, food, cell phones, fun activities, dining out, gas and any other odds and ends.  I pay for all of that stuff on my own.  I even took a part-time job which had me working 7 days a week for over a year and it really didn’t benefit me much at all.  I make GREAT money at my regular job and can life a very normal, comfortable life on my own with just my regular job, but with him it’s hard.  I don’t like living pay check to pay check and with him that’s what I do.

So here are my questions…

1. Chris says I should not look at it as his money and my money if we are a couple it should be OUR money.  (I think that’s easy for him to say b/c he’s the one not making all the money and the one being taken care of. )  AM I WRONG IN MY THINKING HERE???

2. Chris says that he is going to school so that he can better himself for ME and take care of me in the future.  (I don’t know for sure that will happen and I asked him if that means I have to take care of him forever until it does.) He says if I want to be a family I shouldn’t have a problem with it.  IS THIS TRUE??? AM I BEING SELFISH??

3. I feel as though I am being punished when I have to help him pay his probation and court fees when he is paying those for being arrested for theft and part of that is for breaking into my house and stealing from me.  AM I WRONG IN THIS FEELING??

Thanks as always to my followers and those that give me such great feedback and advice, I always appreciate it !!

Old Flame

In other recent news as of late – (MOM – you might not want to read this either)

I had previously mentioned James, the guy I dated many years ago.   He  looked me up after 8 years to profess his love for me and the mistake he made by letting me go so many years ago and how he would like to correct that mistake if he ever got the chance to do so. We have played catch up as to what’s going on in each of our lives. First I was flattered and shocked by the comments.  He wasn’t one to express his feelings in the past.  Might have been one of the reasons I left him.  I then inquired as to why?  He said he didn’t realize what he had until I walked out.  I was like wow, that’s very sweet of you to say.  So he’s been blowing up my phone and calling and telling me how much he loves me.  He said he loved me back then but didn’t know how to say it or show it properly.  He tells me all the time how he would go back and change things if he could, how his life would be so different if he would have chased me down.  He said he had looked for me over the years and never found me.  My stuff is invisible on FB, so you can’t find me very easily.  He tells me how much he misses me and misses the times we had and blah blah… it’s crazy.  WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??? All of this definitely brings back feelings I had for him once upon a time and it makes me wonder what if?

He travels a lot for his job, so that helps right now him not being close enough to do me danger (meaning get me in trouble-tempt me) right now.  He has been messaging and calling me quite a bit and at one point was upset about a comment made on FB about Chris bringing marriage up.  I never said anywhere on FB that I had said yes. I said that it was out of the blue and I thought Chris was just fishing for information.  So James was upset and was asking if I was planning on marrying Chris.   I did have to bring him back to reality in our text message following that, here’s how it went:

JAMES: Greetings from frozen Canada
ME:  Hi
JAMES: Are you naked?? I wanna see…
ME: I’m still at work
JAMES: So that’s a no huh..
ME: LOL
JAMES: What time do you get off tonight? 
ME: I’m leaving in a few minutes
JAMES: So naked by 530…. COOL
ME: It’s nearly 6 now. 
JAMES: Sorry on mountain time here.
ME: It’s okay
JAMES: So you will be naked for me by 6:30, 7 somewhere in there?
ME: No, I’m not getting naked till bed time. 
JAMES: That’s a yes. Your bedtime needs to be 7 tonight. 
ME: LOL I don’t think so. 
JAMES: You’re getting the theme here right? I WANNA SEE YOU NAKED !!!
ME: I somehow figured that one out. 
JAMES: I wanna see you now !
ME: Well then you better come home. 
JAMES: I can’t wait till then. 
ME:  NO, Maybe when you come home.  You have waited 8 years I think you can wait a few more weeks. 
JAMES: What do you mean NO ? 
ME: NO, NOPE, Opposite of Yes… LOL
JAMES:  I definitely don’t like the word No now.  8 years was 8 years to long. 
ME:  I think you will be fine waiting a little longer. 
JAMES: You’re a comedian.
ME:  You ran off and got married. 
JAMES: Yes, and I made a mistake. 
ME: It’s okay.  But now if you want me, You have to come and get me. 
JAMES: I leave Canada tomorrow…what do I get when I come back home, you under me or on top… YOUR choice. 
ME: LOL !! You’re pretty sure of yourself huh???
JAMES: You’re not??
ME: Have you really through this out?  Are you really planning on leaving her?
JAMES:  What are you expecting?
ME: I don’t expect anything because you’re the one that’s married now.  There is nothing I can do about that fact. 
JAMES:  Not at all – YOU have a big say in this. 
ME:  I mean really have you really thought about this?  Are you gonna give up your new house, your land?  I’m not moving there. So are you planning on moving back here? You’re the one that would have to make a lot of changes and I don’t know that you have really thought this through. 
JAMES: You know I have been looking for you for years. I told you that. My marriage has been over for years as well. I don’t care about the house and land, she can have it, if it means I need to move back to be with you I will do that.  I just want you to gimme another chance, I won’t make the same mistake again. I won’t let you go this time. 
ME: I don’t want to be the reason you finally divorce and I can’t promise that there will be a future with us. A long time has gone by and people change. 
JAMES: I just want you to see me, gimme that. I need to see you. I need to hold you again. I have missed you more than you know. 
ME:  I’m just not used to you being so vocal with your feelings.  It’s a little scary to me. 
JAMES: Well that doesn’t really answer my question, but I want to see you, I really do. 
ME: I’m blown away by you telling me how you feel. I would like to see you again. 
JAMES: Do you plan on marrying him?  
ME:  I do not plan on marring him or anyone else anytime soon.  I especially will not marry him while he is still on probation. 
JAMES: Well I hope you don’t.  I hope you wait and give me a chance to show you I have changed and show you how much I love you. 
ME: Well lets just take things one day at a time and see what happens.

THERE YOU GO – Do you see the nonsense I am dealing with as of late??? The kicker here and the reason I haven’t just told James to go take a flying leap…  I really did care about him back then, however I never came out and told him so.  He had a hard exterior and was not going to be open up and let a woman get in close enough to hurt him, so he kept me at arms distance and never expressed his feelings so I in turn didn’t either.

I don’t know what has changed this man, but there is definitely a change.  Maybe its age that has matured him, time, I have no clue, maybe it is just what he says and losing me was a mistake and he’s gonna do whatever it takes to get show me that and make sure not to let it happen again… I have no idea.  Here are how our latest texts have been going…

JAMES: Hello beautiful are you off work yet?
ME: I just left the office.
JAMES: How was your day?
ME: It was good, but much better now that it’s over.
JAMES: You have been on my mind all day.
ME: That’s sweet, thank you.
JAMES: What’s your favorite flower?
ME: Tulips
JAMES: Compared to the sweet smell of your skin all flowers are skunks.
JAMES:  ❤ I’ll always remember the day I first spoke to you, hearing your voice was like listening to angels in heaven ❤
ME: OMG
ME: Where did that come from???
JAMES: I just love you and wanted you to know.
JAMES: ❤ Darling, I thought of you and it made me smile ❤
ME: Are you drunk?
ME: You have never talked like that before, it’s so new to hear you talk like that to me.  It’s so very sweet though.
JAMES: I love you and I want you to know it.
ME: It’s always nice to have someone in your life who can make you smile even when they are not around. (This was a quote/picture I found and sent to him)
JAMES: I like that ❤
ME: <3<3<3
JAMES: You make me feel like every day is Christmas. I want to come for a kiss under the mistletoe ❤
ME: Awww
JAMES: Wish you were laying next to me now.
ME: Awww.  Are you tired?
JAMES: Can you call?

After our phone call – 

JAMES: I adore you ❤
JAMES: It was great to talk to you my love. Just hearing your voice makes me happy.  It also makes me realize how much I miss you. I want to hold you and make love to you so bad it hurts. ❤ ❤
ME: You blow me away with the things you say these days. 
JAMES: I LOVE YOU. Nite Sexy.
ME: Night honey.

Next morning – 

JAMES: Good morning my sweet, sexy love. Hope all is well. 
ME: Morning, how are you?
JAMES: Good, woke up thinking about you.
ME: What time are you going to be in town today, do you know yet?
JAMES: Probably around 7.
ME: How long are you going to be in town before you have to leave to be back in Canada?
JAMES: I got all the time I need if it means I get to see you ❤
ME: Aww, thank you.
JAMES: Do you work tomorrow?
ME: Nope
JAMES: <3<3<3
JAMES: I’m on the way to see you, 20 mins to town.  I Love You and can’t wait to finally hold you.
JAMES: I wish I could hear your voice right now because I miss you so much.
JAMES: I made it, so call me when your ready.  I can’t wait to get you in my arms, I might never let you go again.  I can’t wait to tell you I love you in person, I have been waiting 8 years to do just that. 

So I suppose you can guess that I went to meet up with James, and you would be correct.  I’m going to leave the story there for now.  It  was really strange seeing him after so long, but it was nice to see him.

This is just one of the causes for confusion and stress currently stirring up my life right now… but by far not the only thing.

I am a little lost as to what I am doing or what the future holds for me. Stay tuned to see what happens.
~McQty~

The one I let go…

Yep, he’s not the one that GOT AWAY, he’s the one I let go.  I walked away from one of the best boyfriends I have ever had.  When I moved to the DFW area in Jan of 2000 I knew, NO ONE.  I think I had only been to this area only 2 times before and that was passing through.  I had to learn my way around, find a place to live, make new friends and FAST !  I met HT that first fall that I was here and he sorta swept me off my feet.   He was so smart and driven and just an all around great guy.  He had money to spend, but was frugal.  He was a suit and tie kinda guy but always looked like a college student.  I used to give him a hard time about him being a “professional student” because he had so much education and was still going to school.  When I met him he had 2 Masters and 2 Bachelors and was still going to school.  Since then he has gotten his Doctrine.   He’s not one you want to play trivia games with for sure.  We had similar interests and got along well.  I was so green back then, I had just moved from a small town that I had grown up in for most of my life that didn’t even have a Wal-Mart, so moving to the “big city” was like Alice walking through the looking glass (and just as crazy).  HT was a very giving person, well traveled and experienced in all areas of life.  He opened my eyes to so many things.  He spoiled me rotten, literally.  I think I would definitely consider myself spoiled at times and now I am accustomed to getting what I want and having things my way that it makes it difficult for other people in my life at times.  I can be such a brat !  Anyway, I experienced a lot of first with HT.  He took me on my first trip to Vegas (of course he paid for everything).  My first “real” trip/vacation was when he took me to LA/Vegas/San Diego. Our vacation was lasted about 9 days I think.  He spoiled me on this trip, in LA he took me to Universal Studios, Mann’s Chinese Theatre, Wax Museum, Rodeo Drive.  We drove to Vegas after 2 days in LA and stayed at the Luxor, he took me to some amazing shows.  He took me to see Penn & Teller with backstage passes to meet the two after the show.  Then after 4 days in Vegas we went to San Diego to a private resort area where clothing was optional.  For the record, I was so against going there and was literally terrified.  The closer we got it started raining and so no naked folks were out running around, thank goodness.  I think my mom got a kick out of when I called her from inside our cabin telling her I was hiding out inside while HT was walking around with just his flip flops on… OMG (I laugh so hard thinking about it now) It was really amazing at night though to go down to the pool when no one was there and swim naked. I loved that.  I didn’t like the view at the tennis courts the next day watching the old women and men playing tennis minus their clothes. I swear I was the youngest person there.  We left and went to the San Diego Zoo which was amazing. I loved all the animals and such.  This was an amazing vacation.  He took me to have my first bite of sushi and I fell in love with it.  He taught me to try so many new things that I never would have otherwise and just really opened my eyes to all sorts of things.  Unfortunately after a year and half and living with him, I knew he was not the “forever” one. I just didn’t feel that fire in my belly or lower regions that I thought I should for a man I want to spend forever with.  Hate to say it, but this is my place to be honest as I want to be and one of my biggest turn offs was that he was uncircumcised and it sorta grossed me out.  It was like playing hide and seek with a turtle.  Here I am, now I’m gone, here I am again.  It was more funny to me than it was a turn on and I just had a hard time kissing that turtle. (SORRY MOM, just being honest)  I loved HT, very much and he was so good to me, but I couldn’t be his forever either.  We split and I moved out and got my own apt. I had nothing at that time as far as furniture and he actually furnished my apt.  He bought my living room furniture (sofa, love seat, coffee table, end tables, lamps) . He bought my bed (beautiful solid wood sleigh bed with pillow top mattress) . He bought me a full computer set up, desk and chair because I was wanting to go back to school and said I would need it.  Even after we broke up we stayed very close.  I went right back to dating which he told me a week later that it crushed him that I moved on so fast.  Well I had known the way I felt for awhile, so I was over the hurt sooner than he was.  He didn’t date anyone for some time. We still went out all the time to the movies, dinner and such so it was like we were still dating just not calling it that and not sleeping together.  Even after splitting up we still went on vacations together. He took me to Vegas 2 more times.  One trip to vegas we took was for 7 days because he was playing in a hockey tournament… 7 days is tooo long to be in Vegas.  I was exhausted and ready to come home for sure.  He was always so good about flowers for v-day, my birthday and always my favs.  He still used to do that even when he started dating another girl.  She didn’t like the idea of how much time we spent together and how he still bought me gifts while he was dating her.  Let me tell you about one of the most romantic things he EVER did, and this was after we had already split up and were NO longer a couple.  I’m pretty sure I was dating someone else at this time because he had comment on the flowers I had rec’d that were sitting on the counter when he came over to give me my present.  We sat down on the couch and he had a small gift bag and he gave me a card out of it and said that’s all he had for me but would get me something later. I was like, WHAT?? and then he pulled a little box out. I opened it and it was small diamond earrings from Kay Jewelers.  They were great but I looked around him as if he had more stuff. He says, gosh you barely looked at those. I felt bad and was all, no they are GREAT, I love em. I was just seeing what you were hiding, he said nothing and gave me the little bag and it had a little envelope in it the size of a business card.  It had my name on the outside and when I opened it, I pulled out a business card which was from Tiffany’s and he said flip it over and I did and it said there is something waiting for you at Tiffany’s.  I freaked the hell out. I was like OMG, lets go lets go.  The Tiffany’s store is sorta far away so we drove all the way down to the galleria to go there.  I felt so under dressed going in. He told me to go up to the counter and give them the card.  So I did and they brought me this beautiful necklace that had a heart pendant on it.  It was awesome, but he said if I didn’t like it and wanted something else I could look around.  I loved it, but wanted to still look.  I found another necklace that I liked more and so he switched them and paid the difference in price for the one I ended up getting.  It was pretty awesome.  He was always surprising me like that.  One time he came over to my apt and when I left the room he put a Tiffany’s box on my fireplace mantle between some candles and waited for me to find it.  I loved his creativity !! He was always doing stuff like this for me.  Even when I was dating my ex husband, HT had asked me what I wanted for my bday/christmas.  I would always answer whatever but you can’t go wrong with jewelry.  That year I got a ring from Tiffany’s.  It was an eternal band, nothing fancy, but it was beautiful and I think a symbol that we would always be connected in one way or another.

Well time has gone by and he finally got over the crushed feeling I left him with and after dating a woman for the last 10 years and her harping to get married, she finally got her way.  The reason I say that, is I know his wife, through him. She used to hate me b/c she hated how much time and all the things he did with me. I showed her I was no harm that if I wanted him she would have never met him.  I think she got jealous at some of the things he did for me but he’s done so much for her too.  Anyway he used to have long conversations about her and their relationship and how he wasn’t sure she was a forever for him.  Well he got to the point where I don’t think he wants to be alone and that was a way to make sure he’s not.  Anyway, they got married in March after a brief engagement.  He’s been working over in Italy and Paris for the last several years as a professor and now he has taken a job in Quebec so he is moving there today.  He called me up and said he wanted to see me and take me to dinner before leaving today, so we met and had dinner, yummy sushi, last night and visited until they kicked us outta the restaurant.  It was good catching up.  He’s already wanting to know when I’m coming up to visit.  I was like… April, when the snow melts. HAHA

Anyway, I am so thankful to have met HT and to have had him in my life the past 12+ years.  I wish him the best in Quebec, but he told me he wasn’t selling his house here, the house we lived in together.  And that they would be back in 4 years.  He has everything so well planned out, I wish I was that organized.

Some people are meant to cross your path and others are meant to walk along that path with you.  I am thankful that HT walked down my path.

~McQty~